A Stick in the Mud

I am stuck.  Much like mud in a field that sucks your boots right off your feet when it gets too deep.  I am still not able to write about the sexual abuse.  I’m still not able to talk to my therapist about it and to top it off, when things get too stressful, the images haunt me. My head gets dark, and what I call, black.  I don’t like going to sleep.  With my nightmares, I at least knew that I could wake up from them.  Having these memories now, the nightmare isn’t just in my sleep anymore.

I’m trying to keep up appearances.  I’m trying to be positive.  I’m trying to forget and maybe that’s the wrong approach.  The physical abuse I know I’m over because I’ve been able to face that.  I would have taken that with a smile compared to the emotional and sexual abuse.  I’m facing the emotional abuse and dealing with it… but I don’t know how to face the rest.

Kim, my mother, sent my husband an email via Facebook asking how her ‘daughter’ and ‘grand babies’ were doing.  Kim has no right to call me her daughter.  My girls do not know that she exists, and until absolutely necessary, they won’t know.  For fourteen years, I cried myself to sleep most nights.  I went to school to get away and take a break from hell.

I KNOW when my girls cry, even when they try to do it as quietly as they can, I KNOW!  I know that Kim saw the things he did to me.  She stood by when he yelled.  Went to bed with some excuse when the beatings happened and she was home.  Claims to never hearing me cry when he was in my room at night.  She has no right to call me her daughter.

I am torn on if what Jack A did to me was worse or if watching my mother walk away when he started in on me was worse.

Going Out on a Limb

I have started a support group in the area I live in and today is our first meeting. Wish me luck. I really want to help others and as I get so many supportive responses to my blog posts, I can only hope that I can truly help others on a more personal level.

Daily Ray of Sunshine

Before you begin a thing, remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead…  You can only see one thing clearly, and that is your goal.  Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin.
KATHLEEN NORRIS

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Daily Ray of Sunshine

It’s important to talk about it.  You raise awareness.  But you can always prevent it (child abuse) by not letting it be a secret.
CHRIS WITTY

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Daily Ray of Sunshine

Patience is the companion of wisdom.
SAINT AUGUSTINE

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Daily Ray of Sunshine

Inward calm cannot be maintained unless physical strength is constantly and intelligently replenished.
BUDHA

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Daily Ray of Sunshine

To exist is to change, to change is to mature; to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.
HENRI BERGSON

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