This is going to be a rather long blog because of the anger that I am feeling at this moment. I know that one therapeutic remedy is saying what feelings you are experiencing at that moment… in the moment.
Okay, that didn’t make me feel any better. *Sigh*
When someone asks you:
Why did you do that?
Why do you let that person do that to you? Continue to do that to you? etc…
What’s your answer? I have been asking myself that very question for the last two and a half years. After I moved out of my parents house at seventeen, I couldn’t cut all ties with my family even though I really wanted to and probably should have. I kept in contact with Kim (my mother) so that I could retain contact with Suzie (my sister).
There are two separate issues here that I’m going to have to discuss independently.
FIRST TOPIC: Suzie
Just to start, my sister has some emotional issues and I think part of it is what she has seen Jack A. (her real father and my step father) do to me. I did my best to protect her and I’m not sure if he ever did anything to her, but I wouldn’t doubt it if he did. Kim and Jack A. split up/divorced or whatever when I was 18. Suzie has tried to commit suicide twice. Both times she was retained for three days at a mental institution until she could be evaluated. I was never privy to what they ever found or discovered.
Before my sisters sixteenth birthday, my mother and sister had some issues. My mother couldn’t make her do anything she was supposed to do like GOING TO SCHOOL and had already been held back a year. She had even had to go to court on three different occasions because of truancy charges. At the last hearing, my sister was given 40 hours of community service and my mother had to pay $150 fine.
My husband and I decided that she could come and live with us under the condition that it was our house and our rules and she would go to school and at sixteen, would be required to get a part-time job in order to learn some responsibility. During this time, I was pregnant with my second daughter. This whole living arrangement lasted three months. We had our ups and downs but I really thought she was making improvements until that third month.
Suzie’s dog (who stayed with my mother) got sick and had to be taken to the vet. My mother refused to do anything for the dog and was going to let it die all on its own in the back yard. After my mother had called me about the dog, I couldn’t let it suffer. SO, my husband took my sister (so she could be with her dog), picked up the dog and (at the last minute) my mother, drove them all over to an emergency vet so they could humanely put the dog down. This dog was never aloud in the house, was never given a dog house, and was only given a few towels to sleep on. Needless to say the dog never went to the vet either. Sam (the dog) was diagnosed with a severe infestation of heart worms. They had to put the dog down. Just the stress from that one night, caused me to go into preterm labor which the hospital was able to stop.
The next week, we were still trying to get Suzie registered for school in our neighborhood so that she could actually go and there were some problems with that. In order to get her registered, we had to have legal documentation showing guardianship and my mother was supposed to go to the school with further documentation in order to proceed. I had to go back to the hospital Friday night because I had gone into preterm labor again. Again, the hospital stopped it.
That next week, Suzie had started to cause problems with our babysitter (my husbands mother) and we were still having to fight with my mother about the registration issue. Another trip to the hospital…. preterm later. Though this week was different. My sister wanted to go and stay the night at a friends house (she was 15 at the time) and her friends were important to her. This was arranged all on the pretense that, medically everything would be fine. While I was at the hospital for that third time, my sister is calling me and my husband multiple times (at which times my contractions were the worst) so that she could go and stay with her friend. She was more worried that her weekend was ruined than she was about her sister and unborn niece.
During that fourth week, her friends mother had talked Suzie into moving in with them instead. Suzie asked if my husband or I would have a problem with that and I told her that if that’s what she really wanted then that was up to her. We also made it clear that she wouldn’t be able to move back in with us. It got bad enough and stressful enough that I ended up having to rest most of that last week trying to PREVENT having my daughter too early. Suzie made the decision to move out. The way she did it wasn’t necessarily in the best ways she could have done. Because my husband didn’t want me to be stressed anymore, he made sure she got her things and was moved out.
Despite his attempts, I went into labor that last weekend and my second daughter was born. Since then, my sister has been living with her friend and her friends parents. She hasn’t graduated or gotten her GED. She’s a drop out. She doesn’t have a job and the parents buy everything for her without making her earn it. She has yet to learn what it means to be responsible… at eighteen (NOW) she’s never had a job, never graduated high school, and has no direction to what she wants to do if she loses her place to live. My mother claims that she’s not going to let her move in with her (or her boyfriend) because she’s worried it would cause problems with her relationship. My sister has not lived with either one of her parents since she was fifteen years old. I’m disappointed IN my mother primarily for not being a mother… and I am disappointed FOR my sister that her childhood (and the things you are supposed to learn) was robbed from her like mine was robbed from me. This leads me to my second topic.
SECOND TOPIC: Kim
My mother and I had a rather difficult falling out three years ago. Around the time my sister moved out. Kim was actually the one to drive me to the hospital when I was in labor with my first daughter and was there for the birth. She claimed to not have the gas money to come to the hospital when my second daughter was born. My mother has only seen my second daughter twice in her entire life and she’s now three years of age. In the beginning, I had hoped that becoming a grandmother, Kim would change and maybe grow up a bit. But NOPE… No such luck. Because my mother couldn’t be what I needed her to be, my husband and I made a relocation to a different state because he had more family in the new area and I had written my mother and sister off.
I have serious issues with the fact that my mother knew what Jack A. had done to me… and continued to let it happen. Then she divorced him, only after I had moved out because she didn’t want the same thing to happen to my sister. If she didn’t know what happened to me, why would she want to protect my sister from it? These are some of the problems I’m trying to resolve within myself because I know I will never get a resolution from my mother.
About nine months after the move (new state, new job, new life) I ended up getting sick. I started having migraines that wouldn’t go away. I went to a doctor, they suggested an MRI. After the MRI results came, I was referred to a neurologist because they found three spots that were ‘swollen’… Not quite tumors… just spots of swollen tissue. I was scared and terrified in a way I had never been and I guess in that moment, I had forgotten why I had stopped talking to my mom. Overtime, since then, I’ve been trying to rebuild a better relationship with my mother and with Suzie. Suzie has flown to see us twice and was able to visit without too much drama. Kim on the other hand… she’s claimed to start saving and has even gone as far as purchasing an airline ticket… (she emailed me the proof) and then canceling it. I’ve offered to buy the ticket or pay half… have even offered to bring her back on one of the trips that I drive out on. She’s still never come out to see us… in two years. I’ve been getting angrier and angrier (and all of the other things I mentioned earlier) each time she makes plans and then breaks them.
Today I got a phone call from my mother whom hasn’t bothered to voluntarily call me in two months. I called her about two weeks ago to tell her that I had to start going back to my neurologist and had to have another MRI to make sure that no more ‘lumps’ were found in my brain… and told her I would text her after the appointment to let her know what the doctor said. Which I did and it’s just a mater of getting back and going through another round of meds and preventative measures.
She didn’t ask how I was doing medically. Didn’t actually ask how my family was. Didn’t ask me anything about my life. She told me about hers though! She said that she’s getting Jaguar and even though it’s used, it’s still costing her and her boyfriend money BUT she has failed to come see me or my family including her grandchildren. SHE claims it’s because they don’t have money. UMMM YEAH… I really believe that.
Back in the day, before I was conceived, Kim was a big partier and did drugs and drank. From what I have gathered (being four states away) is that she and her boyfriend are living it up and my sister has told me that my mother is an alcoholic. Suzie asked me once, not too long ago, to fix it. So I’ve been asking myself since the phone call at 6:11 pm – WHY do I continue to let KIM hurt me?
I’m a glutton for punishment apparently. Since I’ve read the book that I’ve posted about… I know that my mother was abusive in her own way. I KNOW that I need to distance myself. I KNOW that this is a destructive relationship. I don’t give in to the demands or requests or the attempts at dragging me into the family drama. What I do catch myself doing is expect Kim to be my mom when I know that will never happen.
After the phone call… I went to my husband to get a hug and some comfort and then went to crawl in bed, burry my head in my pillows, and cry. I’m still that little girl looking for my mother to save me and it never happens and never will… I think these are the broken pieces of my past life that I’m trying to fix now.