My sister Suzie is going to be coming to visit for the third time since the move.  Since, this is what has had the most presence of my thoughts, this is probably the best thing for a blog.  My sister and I are ten and a half years apart, Suzie being the younger.

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I’ve sat here, looking at these three lines, for the last hour asking myself what to write next.  Typically, when I write, I don’t have to think and it just comes out.  I think this is more difficult than some of the things that I’ve written.  There is a definite line of segregation between Suzie and myself.  I think this hurts me the most.  The hole in my heart is a bunch of jagged pieces and the scars that still hurt the most are these.

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My mother, back in her youth, was a coke and speed addict on top of being an excessive drinker. She’s also an epileptic and any drugs she does do can affect her harder than most.  Drugs can also cause her to have a seizure.  So, in other words, it’s dangerous for her.  Her current guy… Peetie, isn’t discouraging her addictive behavior.  My sister has told me that she is an alcoholic now as well.  And she expects me to fix it.

Kim has told me that she didn’t want Suzie growing up in the kind of life that I grew up in.  I have a huge problem with that statement.

1.) My mother has claimed that she never KNEW what happened to me because I never told her.

2.) I can say, for a fact, that she’s seen the bruises and when she asked what happened, I looked at her and said: ‘You know what happened, let’s not pretend here.’  Her response was: ‘Well you must have fallen at school.’

How is it, that she didn’t know what was happening to me and still felt a need to rescue Suzie?  I feel like I am lost at sea because I’m constantly searching for that mother figure like lost sailors look for land.  I have two beautiful little girls and the things that I have felt and done for them have made me realize that I can’t conceive why she did some of the things that she has done.

I’m not explaining this very well.  After having children of my own, I now recognize how a mother is supposed to act and she has never been that for me.  I do my best each and every day to be the best mother that I can be to my girls.  Before my first was born, I remember telling my husband that IF I ever showed signs of being abusive, I would need him to step in even if it meant taking them away from me.  I know what the statistics are for an abused child to turn into an abusive adult and that’s my biggest fear.

Kim KNEW what happened to me and refuses to acknowledge it because she needed a male figure in her life to make her feel secure due to her codependency issues.  There’s the text book explanation.  Let us look a little deeper though.

My sister is the golden child compared to the things that I am now trying to overcome.  I took the beatings, yelling sprees, and the things that I am not ready to talk about ~ to save her.  I don’t resent her… I resent my mother.  She saved my sister but couldn’t save me………… Why?  What did I do that was so wrong?

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I know that there isn’t an answer.  I know that… that it wasn’t my fault and it didn’t have anything to do with me.  Jack A. and Kim are the ones with the problems.  But, Suzie got to go to the doc’s office when she needed it… she got playstation 3’s and so many other things that I would have been punished to touch.  I wasn’t Jack A.’s real daughter and that’s why I think I got the segregated treatment.  I was on the bad side and she was on the good side.

Even with the knowing, my heart is still in pain.  The book that I have been reading has said that I’m not supposed to confront my abusers because they can’t hear or understand what they are or have been doing. But with all of the ‘supposed-to-be’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s’ I am still hurt.  I think that this will always be so.

My husband thinks I should cut her (Kim) out of my life when I’m ready for it.  Like cutting cancer out of the human body.  I agree but for now, I know that I will still answer my phone… text messages… and in the event she sends an email, I will answer… because I am still hoping that one day, she will see the daughter that she always wanted and think she is perfect.  That she will step up to the plate and grow the proverbial balls…………………

I think this is all for tonight since, I don’t think that I am making any sense.  My thoughts are all scattered…

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