A Line of Segregation

My sister Suzie is going to be coming to visit for the third time since the move.  Since, this is what has had the most presence of my thoughts, this is probably the best thing for a blog.  My sister and I are ten and a half years apart, Suzie being the younger.

***

I’ve sat here, looking at these three lines, for the last hour asking myself what to write next.  Typically, when I write, I don’t have to think and it just comes out.  I think this is more difficult than some of the things that I’ve written.  There is a definite line of segregation between Suzie and myself.  I think this hurts me the most.  The hole in my heart is a bunch of jagged pieces and the scars that still hurt the most are these.

***

My mother, back in her youth, was a coke and speed addict on top of being an excessive drinker. She’s also an epileptic and any drugs she does do can affect her harder than most.  Drugs can also cause her to have a seizure.  So, in other words, it’s dangerous for her.  Her current guy… Peetie, isn’t discouraging her addictive behavior.  My sister has told me that she is an alcoholic now as well.  And she expects me to fix it.

Kim has told me that she didn’t want Suzie growing up in the kind of life that I grew up in.  I have a huge problem with that statement.

1.) My mother has claimed that she never KNEW what happened to me because I never told her.

2.) I can say, for a fact, that she’s seen the bruises and when she asked what happened, I looked at her and said: ‘You know what happened, let’s not pretend here.’  Her response was: ‘Well you must have fallen at school.’

How is it, that she didn’t know what was happening to me and still felt a need to rescue Suzie?  I feel like I am lost at sea because I’m constantly searching for that mother figure like lost sailors look for land.  I have two beautiful little girls and the things that I have felt and done for them have made me realize that I can’t conceive why she did some of the things that she has done.

I’m not explaining this very well.  After having children of my own, I now recognize how a mother is supposed to act and she has never been that for me.  I do my best each and every day to be the best mother that I can be to my girls.  Before my first was born, I remember telling my husband that IF I ever showed signs of being abusive, I would need him to step in even if it meant taking them away from me.  I know what the statistics are for an abused child to turn into an abusive adult and that’s my biggest fear.

Kim KNEW what happened to me and refuses to acknowledge it because she needed a male figure in her life to make her feel secure due to her codependency issues.  There’s the text book explanation.  Let us look a little deeper though.

My sister is the golden child compared to the things that I am now trying to overcome.  I took the beatings, yelling sprees, and the things that I am not ready to talk about ~ to save her.  I don’t resent her… I resent my mother.  She saved my sister but couldn’t save me………… Why?  What did I do that was so wrong?

***

I know that there isn’t an answer.  I know that… that it wasn’t my fault and it didn’t have anything to do with me.  Jack A. and Kim are the ones with the problems.  But, Suzie got to go to the doc’s office when she needed it… she got playstation 3’s and so many other things that I would have been punished to touch.  I wasn’t Jack A.’s real daughter and that’s why I think I got the segregated treatment.  I was on the bad side and she was on the good side.

Even with the knowing, my heart is still in pain.  The book that I have been reading has said that I’m not supposed to confront my abusers because they can’t hear or understand what they are or have been doing. But with all of the ‘supposed-to-be’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s’ I am still hurt.  I think that this will always be so.

My husband thinks I should cut her (Kim) out of my life when I’m ready for it.  Like cutting cancer out of the human body.  I agree but for now, I know that I will still answer my phone… text messages… and in the event she sends an email, I will answer… because I am still hoping that one day, she will see the daughter that she always wanted and think she is perfect.  That she will step up to the plate and grow the proverbial balls…………………

I think this is all for tonight since, I don’t think that I am making any sense.  My thoughts are all scattered…

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3 thoughts on “A Line of Segregation

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  1. I may have told you this before, but I chased after my mother for years seeking the mother I knew was inside of her because it would come out when I was physically ill — that’s when she’d be loving, kind, tender and attentive. It was a whole other ballgame when I’d recover. I know I told you I took care of her at the end of her years on earth and how difficult that was. I KNOW that need you’re speaking of!! I KNOW those questions, too!! My mom waited until all my other siblings were out of the house before she divorced my dad and upset the life I was looking forward to having — the plans at age 11 for a better life than I’d had before. I won’t go into all the details but it was right in front of me for the first time ever. She never asked me what I wanted. She did what she wanted. Once she left my dad that was the theme of her life: “What about me?” she’d whine. “What about what I want?” That’s all she did — what she wanted. She was never a mother to me again. NEVER. I fruitlessly sought her and wasted so much time and effort in doing so.

    I’ll never forget a dream I had after my parents separated. I dreamed she told me I was adopted and that was why she didn’t love me the way she loved my sisters; that was why she’d waited till her “real” daughters were grown and out of the house to divorce my dad. The dream was so vivid and the emotions so powerful they remained with me for days and I wouldn’t speak to my mom that morning, I was so upset by what she’d said to me in my dream. When I finally told her about the dream, she laughed in my face, shook her head and walked away from me. NOT the actions of a loving mother!!

    I cannot help you with your pain nor can I enable you to stop seeking the person who doesn’t exist. You have to go through this and get to the point where you realize you can do a better job of mothering your inner child (even though I hate that overused phrase) than she ever could, would or will be able to. You’re asking her to give you something that she simply doesn’t have and never will have. Why parents choose one child over another is something I do not understand!! I never will. It is SO wrong!!

    All I can do is pray for you, support you with my words and thoughts and tell you how proud I am that you have actively chosen to break the cycle of evil in your family so that your daughters will grow up to be loving mothers themselves, having learned from you what a loving mother is!!

    God bless you!!
    Kathy

    1. Kathy,
      I remember you mentioning your mother. I do know what a bad mother is, I think you and I have that in common. It really helps knowing someone knows the feeling of needing a mother… I’m not so alone because I am getting a lot of online support but have also opened up to my family more so that my husband knows. He doesn’t like reading the stories because he says it hurts his heart too much. He protects me from as much as he can. He’s upset that I am still keeping in contact with them. Honestly the only reason why I put up with that is because of my grandmother. She’s still living though has Alzheimer’s and I’m worried that if I do cut them out of my life, they won’t tell me if something happens to her. I think after my grandma does pass, it will be a different story altogether.
      Thank you so much for the support!

      Phoenix

      1. You’re quite welcome!!

        I’m so glad you’ve got such a good husband looking out for you!! I understand about keeping a relationship going in order to stay close and/or keep tabs on someone else.

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