Once Upon Waking

By two years of age, I had nearly a full vocabulary and was learning to read.  This is also when I started retaining memories.  Kim claimed that it wasn’t possible that I would remember this, but apparently I do.  I am going to do my best to write this from the point of view of my two-year old self.

I liked to lay on my stomach with my knees curled under.  I came out of sleep, eyes still closed.  The cold woke me up.  Feeling around, my bankie (blanket) was gone and Hairy (stuffed rabbit) was gone too.  Probably hiding.  I open my eyes to find him.  I was looking at the back of my crib.  The side that was touching the wall.  I turn my head over, still on my tummy with my knees curled under.  My toes were cold and I really wanted my Hairy.  Mommy was up wiping her tinkle area with a towel.  She was facing me but looking down at her hands.  The JJ (Jack A.) was in bed under the bankie but looking at Mommy.  I could feel that I needed a new nappy (diaper) cause it was wet and cold and I had gone poop too.  The air felt wrong like I was doing something bad.  It was like my tummy had fallen out.  Mommy looked at me.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight and laid real still.

Turn over and go to sleep now!

She said in her mean voice.

Now that I am really dissecting this memory, being an adult, I know what was going on.  Though, as a two-year old I didn’t understand or have the capacity to understand the mechanics of sex.  I woke up in my crib and when I couldn’t find my blanket and my stuffed rabbit, I turned over to look on the other side.  I was laying down because I was still sleepy.  What I saw was Jack A. sitting in the bed, under a sheet, looking at my mother with that smile on his face.  She was cleaning herself because they had just gotten done having sex.  This is a basic act of two people connecting though as a two-year old, I didn’t understand that.  I didn’t understand that it is generally something that people should do ALONE and the feeling of wrongness had been because of that.  My mother told me to turn over and go to sleep.  Though, I wasn’t tired and she and my grandmother (since we were still living with her and my grandpa) were working on potty training.  I had a dirty diaper and needed to go again, so of course I wouldn’t/couldn’t go back to sleep.  I know that I laid there for a long time.  I don’t know how long but it was long enough that I pee’d in my diaper again and it caused my diaper to overflow.  Urine got all over my clothes and my bed so I started crying.  I was dirty and there wasn’t much else I could do.  I don’t remember what happened after that.

 

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