I have rounded a corner in my life and I can feel the changes coming over the horizon. It’s about knowing whether fear or confidence is going to lead me through these changes. In this life I have learned that confidence and trust can be the cause of anyone’s heartache and fear can be the downfall of anyones sanity. I have allowed fear to lead me through most of my life. It’s time for me to find my confidence and make a major transition.
So this means I am on another adventure along with my recovery. My adventure care package came complete with a pen and a journal with a blank page. The open space of a blank page can be daunting, it can cause fear. However, in my world it’s a comfort. I have found myself time and time again within the pages of my journal.
Someone in my past has tried to stifle and kill this fire in my soul and yet I am still here. With each punch, slap, and slanderous word, I was thrust toward being the person that I am today. Even though, I could have easily turned to a more dramatic life such as doing drugs or becoming an alcoholic. Being dramatic isn’t always a good thing. My cousins parents were drug dealers so it would have been all too easy to take that road. Instead I feel like, compared to the rest of my extended family, I feel as if I have taken the road less traveled.
Now I have rounded this corner and I see these changes coming, cresting at the top of a hill. I am left questioning myself and how I will greet what’s coming. Yesterday I was not myself. My affirmation for this week is that I belong and am part of all; I was not off to a very good start yesterday. I felt the opposite. When I was writing out and planning this blog, I felt as if I had forgotten how to put words together to form sentences. If it weren’t for spell check, I would almost be embarrassed. I didn’t know what was wrong and typically being around my fun and bubbly little girls can cure almost any bad or off mood. Yesterday something just wasn’t right. My body didn’t belong to me almost like I was a puppet with tangled strings. Have you ever walked into a room that you’ve seen a million and one times but on the last look something is just out of place? Almost as if everything has been moved or shifted on its axis in the slightest of ways, causing you to pause or question your internal landscapes. Questioning if all of the parts and pieces are there. I felt extremely awkward all day and the fact that I didn’t know what was wrong really bothered me.
Today… I have a cold. So, that could have been the pre-intro to a cold but I really don’t think so. It was somehow different from just feeling worn out and icky.