Out of Place

I have rounded a corner in my life and I can feel the changes coming over the horizon.  It’s about knowing whether fear or confidence is going to lead me through these changes.  In this life I have learned that confidence and trust can be the cause of anyone’s heartache and fear can be the downfall of anyones sanity.  I have allowed fear to lead me through most of my life.  It’s time for me to find my confidence and make a major transition.

So this means I am on another adventure along with my recovery.  My adventure care package came complete with a pen and a journal with a blank page.  The open space of a blank page can be daunting, it can cause fear.  However, in my world it’s a comfort.  I have found myself time and time again within the pages of my journal.

Someone in my past has tried to stifle and kill this fire in my soul and yet I am still here.  With each punch, slap, and slanderous word, I was thrust toward being the person that I am today.  Even though, I could have easily turned to a more dramatic life such as doing drugs or becoming an alcoholic.  Being dramatic isn’t always a good thing.  My cousins parents were drug dealers so it would have been all too easy to take that road.  Instead I feel like, compared to the rest of my extended family, I feel as if I have taken the road less traveled.

Now I have rounded this corner and I see these changes coming, cresting at the top of a hill.  I am left questioning myself and how I will greet what’s coming.  Yesterday I was not myself.  My affirmation for this week is that I belong and am part of all; I was not off to a very good start yesterday.  I felt the opposite.  When I was writing out and planning this blog, I felt as if I had forgotten how to put words together to form sentences.  If it weren’t for spell check, I would almost be embarrassed.  I didn’t know what was wrong and typically being around my fun and bubbly little girls can cure almost any bad or off mood.  Yesterday something just wasn’t right.  My body didn’t belong to me almost like I was a puppet with tangled strings.  Have you ever walked into a room that you’ve seen a million and one times but on the last look something is just out of place?  Almost as if everything has been moved or shifted on its axis in the slightest of ways, causing you to pause or question your internal landscapes.  Questioning if all of the parts and pieces are there.  I felt extremely awkward all day and the fact that I didn’t know what was wrong really bothered me.

Today… I have a cold.  So, that could have been the pre-intro to a cold but I really don’t think so.  It was somehow different from just feeling worn out and icky.

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5 thoughts on “Out of Place

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  1. You have been out of place and I have been stuck in a dark place that I have been thrust into often due to the illnesses I must live with, endure and survive on a daily or hourly basis. I absolutely hate this place, but there’s nothing and no one who can get me out. I simply must endure. I always do, even though I don’t want to because the mental and emotional pain is overwhelming. I endure for two reasons: God wants me to live and He gives me the medication that makes me live. I am not broken. I do not need to be fixed. I cannot be cheered up or “pep talked” out of it. I must endure it till it has run its course. Sometimes it lasts longer than others. I hate to inflict myself on others during this time because I don’t want the ickyness to rub off onto them. Yet this time I’ve blogged about it various ways, with a couple of good things thrown in because even in the darkest times God allows rays of goodness to enter my existence. Mainly I want it to end forever.

    I’m sorry!! I’ve turned this into a comment about me and not you!! I did not mean to do that!! I want you to know, Phoenix, that I understand how tortuous an ordeal this is for you to relive the past and yet how necessary it is to write it out of you and how, by writing it out of you — getting it out of your soul — you are helping others who’ve been where you are. You are strong and courageous, insightful and determined. You are also compassionate, kind, sympathetic and loving. You open yourself up and show others your vulnerability — your nakedness, I call it — and I know how much courage that takes. Not only do you have to face it yourself, but you show it to others and pray they understand.

    I think feeling out of place is part of the process. You’re facing things, revealing things, reliving things that are not who you are now yet at the same time have made you into the woman, wife, mother, friend you have become and yes, you have chosen the greater path, not the easier one. I think it’s bound to be disorienting at times. You’re very wise to take time away and revel in the love, beauty and happiness that is your family!! This time refreshes your soul and allows you to begin the process again as you’re ready to face it. It’s hard!! It’s painful!! It can be debilitating!! Yet it so very necessary to your well being!!

    I say once again that I am very proud of you!! I’m proud of what you’re doing!! I’m proud you’re a fighter and a survivor!! I’m proud to call you my friend!!

    May God’s blessings pour down upon you and your precious family!!
    Always,
    Kathy

    1. I am here if you need to vent, gripe, or cry. You are so supportive, not just to me, but to so many. Don’t feel bad for sharing your thoughts and how you are feeling. Friendship is a two way street. A give and take. Your support means a lot to me. It’s an odd feeling knowing that there are people that see how raw and open those moments are and to say to me… “You’re a strong person and I’m proud of you.”
      My husband and I were talking last night and I told him… I can’t remember a time when my mother EVER played with me or interacted with me when I was little. I have memories of my grandparents doing things with me, but not my mother. I don’t remember my mother ever saying she was proud of me. It’s an odd sensation to hear that someone is proud of me and who I am. Please don’t ever apologize for venting to me or sharing with me. If you need to do that… I’m here.

      With all the best,
      Phoenix

  2. I honestly can’t say what I want to say better than Kathy has said Phoenix.
    You have laid yourself bare to the world, reliving those awful times, buried memories rising to the front of your mind, it’s no surprise that you are feeling out of place.
    For me, as a reader, some of your blog has been unbelievably hard going.
    I’ve gone from anger, to shame then onto tears and back to anger reading some of your entries, and these things didn’t happen to me, they happened to you.

    You have been through so much, but you have broken the circle. As you said previously , You won.

    Your strength, your power of will to not fall into the arms of drug and alcohol or worse is phenomenal and I admire you so much for your courage and the way you are dealing with all this.

    I too am proud to call you a friend, if you will let me.
    Keep safe, keep well
    love n hugs xxx

    1. These stories from my past are a piece of who I am now. When my husband and I discuss some of these things, it’s the first time he’s ever heard them. I’ve also learned that when you share things that are so horrible and raw like some of the things that I’ve shared…. I can’t help but to call you a friend. You honor me with your support and your words. As always, it’s very appreciated.

      Phoenix

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