When you mathematically add two to two, it totals four.  Here’s what I get:

MOURNFUL: Feeling or expressing sorrow or grief.

I have always known this word but didn’t ever cognitively connect the word to my feelings as I read and respond to particularly sad blogs.  This is a very functional word when it is matched to how I feel to the depths of my soul.  I first made this connection, today in the wee hours of the morning.  I shared this word with a friend today to see if she felt the same.

BLOG DISCLAIMER: I know that some of my friends that know me outside of the virtual world as well as my virtual persona will read this, pick up their cell phones, and call me.  I am going to pre-emptively say that I am fine!  I am, in no way, pointing my finger saying “You weren’t there.”  I made the choice not to call.  I made the choice to internalize these feelings to deal with them at a later date.

Here goes…

I am tired of disappointment and Tuesday night it really got to me.  More so then it normally would.  It was a culmination of twenty years of it.  I felt the world crash and shudder to a halt.  My heart shattered, splintered; millions of pieces that fell to the floor of my soul to sparkle and glitter like glass.

I cried.  I was mourning every ounce of disappointment I had ever felt.  The culmination, or the thing that caused my breaking point…

I once felt close, welcomed, and safe.  I respected this person and for the most part, I looked to her for motherly guidance.  I shared things with her before starting this blog because she has had very real and painful experiences like mine.  I was promised help… promised a break… promised support and then when it came down to the moment of truth, she caused so much stress and disappointment.  The relief I needed never came.  I felt like it was so much more work than if I had worked through it on my own.  I felt alone and lost and instead of being able to relax, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Advertisements