Disappointed = Mournful

When you mathematically add two to two, it totals four.  Here’s what I get:

MOURNFUL: Feeling or expressing sorrow or grief.

I have always known this word but didn’t ever cognitively connect the word to my feelings as I read and respond to particularly sad blogs.  This is a very functional word when it is matched to how I feel to the depths of my soul.  I first made this connection, today in the wee hours of the morning.  I shared this word with a friend today to see if she felt the same.

BLOG DISCLAIMER: I know that some of my friends that know me outside of the virtual world as well as my virtual persona will read this, pick up their cell phones, and call me.  I am going to pre-emptively say that I am fine!  I am, in no way, pointing my finger saying “You weren’t there.”  I made the choice not to call.  I made the choice to internalize these feelings to deal with them at a later date.

Here goes…

I am tired of disappointment and Tuesday night it really got to me.  More so then it normally would.  It was a culmination of twenty years of it.  I felt the world crash and shudder to a halt.  My heart shattered, splintered; millions of pieces that fell to the floor of my soul to sparkle and glitter like glass.

I cried.  I was mourning every ounce of disappointment I had ever felt.  The culmination, or the thing that caused my breaking point…

I once felt close, welcomed, and safe.  I respected this person and for the most part, I looked to her for motherly guidance.  I shared things with her before starting this blog because she has had very real and painful experiences like mine.  I was promised help… promised a break… promised support and then when it came down to the moment of truth, she caused so much stress and disappointment.  The relief I needed never came.  I felt like it was so much more work than if I had worked through it on my own.  I felt alone and lost and instead of being able to relax, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

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7 thoughts on “Disappointed = Mournful

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  1. “I was promised help… promised a break… promised support and then when it came down to the moment of truth, she caused so much stress and disappointed. ” That statement could fit so many descriptions for so many of us in many areas of life! Were there any lessons learned from Tues? I have learned many lessons from my Tuesday nights! We share so many similarities, you would be amazed! ~Jen

    1. Jen,
      I am not sure it was a lesson so much as it was another let down. It was like all of the times that my mother Kim let me down. I looked to this person like one would look to a mother figure. My real mother was never a mother… she was a buddy… or she tried to be. Tuesday was worse than how it feels when my mother lets me down. It hurt more because this person has been more of a mother to me than my own has been.
      I learned how to put up a wall.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  2. Phoenix, I’ve been out of town. One thing I learned with disappointment and being let down so many times is – not to do that with my own children. My husband and I always remembered this verse. Prov. 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” You hope and hope for something, then when it is deferred your heart is sick… What a horrible feeling!! I knew what it felt like and I never wanted that to happen to them. Kind of amazing to think that this must have even been happening way back in the Old Testament times. How sad it continues.

  3. Hi Phoenix,
    I’m back from my hols now and trying to catch up with all the entries that I’ve missed ( a mammoth job! )
    I’m so sorry you got let down, but please don’t feel alone.
    There are many people on here that genuinely care about you, your tears are our tears, your hurts are our hurts.
    You are on a long and hard journey, mentally and physically. There will be times when everything becomes too much and the tears will flow.
    As you know I’ve cried about some of the things that you have written, cried in anger, frustration, sorrow and even fear for what was coming next, so it is more than understandable if it all becomes too much some times.
    You are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met, you’ve taken all that has been thrown at you and tossed it back.

    Take care Phoenix, I hope that things are ok for you now,
    love n hugs
    xxx

  4. Wow! I’m not sure why someone would feign interest in helping and supporting you and then letting you down so devastatingly. After years of abuse, you’d think that we would be able to handle betrayals in the years to come. You’d think we’d be fortified after years of living under the gun.

    Putting yourself out there, trusting someone with your secrets, could result in a painful experience or could result in a loyal friendship. It’s a chance. Otherwise, you can keep everything locked inside, which doesn’t feel like living. It sounds simple when it’s written out in words, but it’s much more difficult when you the choice is in front of you.

    I hope you take the chance again on another friend!

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