Out of the Dust: Part 2

Whenever Jack A. would find something to punish me for, he would get this smile on his face.  I know I have mentioned this before but there is something that I didn’t include.  He was someone that could make my blood turn cold… there was just something that changed when he would come home from work and he would close that front door behind him.
Like a coin there were two sides to him.  When he had to be around others, he put out this warm and caring persona that most people bought into.  He could fake a genuine smile and it would actually connect with his eyes.  When he would introduce his family (specifically me) to people, I would always be told that Jack A. talked so highly of me.  People bought into his strong hand shakes and friendly face.
When that door closed behind him, he turned into the complete opposite.  The smile mentioned would not meet his eyes and when I would look into them, I saw a real and in the flesh nightmare.  I would see my reflection in his eyes but it was the one that he would see.  The me that he saw was this vessel for his evil satisfaction.  I was an object for him to play with and abuse at his convenience.  I know that he would become aroused when he would punish me.  This was usually in correspondence with his smile for me.  His teeth were rotten and completely decayed.  The second that that grin would stretch across his lips… those blackened and jagged pieces would show… in those moments of my life I would try to mentally check out to protect myself as best as possible.  I knew in those seconds that there was no place that I could ever hide.  There was no way I could ever escape him.
A few nights ago I had this very real nightmare.  In it, I was talking with a therapist and telling her about being molested by Jack A. in the dream , I made the decision to tell Kim about what he had done to me when she wasn’t looking.
The memory that I possessed in this dream shattered every ounce of security I had in my blank and faulty memory.  This will make more sense later in this entry.
The things that I told Kim, trying desperately to make her believe me… were of being very small… being violated without choice… screaming and crying for Kim.  Screaming “No!, No!, No!” through my tears.
I have two daughters … and they have to both taken a piece of me into their personalities.  Aisha wears her heart on her sleeve and her emotions so close to the surface.  Clairy on the other hand has this cheeky and happy attitude and its her voice that I hear screaming in my head saying “No!, No!, No!” being raped of her innocence, shattering my heart and soul.  As much as it sounds like her, its me.  She took that piece of me.
It didn’t matter how I explained it to Kim.  She sat there shaking her head, disbelieving and sitting firm in her resolve that I was lying.  Like in real life, in my dream she went to Jack A. and told him every word that I had said.
I was then transformed into my toddler self running from that I was then transformed into my toddler self running from that bad and evil man.  Knowing that I would never get away.  In what seemed like seconds, I was caught.  He was towering over me turning my blood to ice with that grin.  I woke up with what sounded like a scream in my head but was merely a whimper in my throat.  My face was drenched in sweat and tears and a new realization dawned on me.
The memory on the molestation is real.  No longer something hidden from me by my subconscious.  It is no longer something that I can run from.

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4 thoughts on “Out of the Dust: Part 2

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  1. I’ve a dear family member who went through awful experiences of abuse via an uncle, and friends who dealt with abuse at the hands of their biological fathers. It makes me weep with anger and hurt that people would/can/and actually do such cruel things. Good on you for rising from the ashes! I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and hurt and the healing you’ve been through and yet to achieve, but good on you!

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time in telling me your thoughts. Child Abuse is still very much a problem and there’s not any one fix or quick resolutions. I’ve learned that you can learn from it, turn it into a positive, and move forward or… turn out like your abusers and perpetuate the cycle. That just wasn’t an option for me.
      Your reading and warm thoughts go a long way in furthering my healing.

      With much respect,
      Phoenix

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