I usually know almost exactly how I feel. The problem is, I just can’t tell anyone.
Meg Abot, Princess in Love
In my case, this is so true. I do know how I feel most of the time… if I told anyone about it, they might see the issues that I work so hard to hide. I recently had a bout with this and wanted to write about it. It’s another thing that I really need to work on. I will explain this more in detail as I go along with this entry.
The are two sides to my personal psyche. There’s the positive and sometimes strong side that people see then there’s my ‘Negative Nelly.’ I was programmed on a daily basis by Jack A. to feel like the most worthless, ugliest, and un-loveable thing on the planet. I didn’t even classify as a person. I was a thing. A possession to be used and treated at the whim of the owner and there was no force or rules stating that I had to be treated fairly and justly.
In this case, the owners were Jack A., Kim, and when she got bigger – I also belonged to Suzie. I didn’t belong to myself and any identity that I should have had and developed during those years of forced possession, were lost and hidden from me.
The end result is my ‘Negative Nelly.’ I will give some examples. Aside from what I was made to feel by my ‘owners’, I was too fat, ugly, and without any talents what-so-ever.
Now, it’s a constant mental battle between my positive and negative selves. If I get invited to something by a friend, it’s not because that person truly wants me around, it’s because they feel sorry for me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see my attributes, I see my faults (even if they are figments of my imagination) in the wrinkles around my eyes, the extra pounds I need to lose, and the things that I wish I could change about myself. If I make friends with someone, they will eventually turn on me and sabotage some aspect of my life. I am a horrible mother, wife, and friend. My artwork is never good enough and could always be better. My own mother didn’t want me and wouldn’t protect me so why would anyone else want to do so? Along those same lines, my own mother doesn’t want to know her granddaughters so why would anyone else want to step in and be there for them?
These are just scratching the surface and it’s not just an ‘every-now-and-then’ kind of problem, these are daily struggles. It’s not just a once a day thing either… it’s everything. If I cook a meal for my family, it’s never good enough. When people ask me the question:
How are you?
… there is always a negative response or thought that comes to my head before the:
I’m __________. (wonderful, beautiful, excellent)
The bubbly side that people see and hear is forced. I know that I’m not the only one that struggles with these problems but I know that if I said half of the things that I feel and hide, someone might literally have me committed.
I am working very hard to silence ‘Negative Nelly’ though I’m not sure how or even where to start…