Negative Nelly

I usually know almost exactly how I feel. The problem is, I just can’t tell anyone.

Meg Abot, Princess in Love

In my case, this is so true. I do know how I feel most of the time… if I told anyone about it, they might see the issues that I work so hard to hide. I recently had a bout with this and wanted to write about it. It’s another thing that I really need to work on. I will explain this more in detail as I go along with this entry.

The are two sides to my personal psyche. There’s the positive and sometimes strong side that people see then there’s my ‘Negative Nelly.’ I was programmed on a daily basis by Jack A. to feel like the most worthless, ugliest, and un-loveable thing on the planet. I didn’t even classify as a person. I was a thing. A possession to be used and treated at the whim of the owner and there was no force or rules stating that I had to be treated fairly and justly.
In this case, the owners were Jack A., Kim, and when she got bigger – I also belonged to Suzie. I didn’t belong to myself and any identity that I should have had and developed during those years of forced possession, were lost and hidden from me.
The end result is my ‘Negative Nelly.’ I will give some examples. Aside from what I was made to feel by my ‘owners’, I was too fat, ugly, and without any talents what-so-ever.
Now, it’s a constant mental battle between my positive and negative selves. If I get invited to something by a friend, it’s not because that person truly wants me around, it’s because they feel sorry for me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see my attributes, I see my faults (even if they are figments of my imagination) in the wrinkles around my eyes, the extra pounds I need to lose, and the things that I wish I could change about myself. If I make friends with someone, they will eventually turn on me and sabotage some aspect of my life. I am a horrible mother, wife, and friend. My artwork is never good enough and could always be better. My own mother didn’t want me and wouldn’t protect me so why would anyone else want to do so? Along those same lines, my own mother doesn’t want to know her granddaughters so why would anyone else want to step in and be there for them?
These are just scratching the surface and it’s not just an ‘every-now-and-then’ kind of problem, these are daily struggles. It’s not just a once a day thing either… it’s everything. If I cook a meal for my family, it’s never good enough. When people ask me the question:

How are you?

… there is always a negative response or thought that comes to my head before the:

I’m __________. (wonderful, beautiful, excellent)

The bubbly side that people see and hear is forced. I know that I’m not the only one that struggles with these problems but I know that if I said half of the things that I feel and hide, someone might literally have me committed.

I am working very hard to silence ‘Negative Nelly’ though I’m not sure how or even where to start…


5 thoughts on “Negative Nelly

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  1. hey firebird, i just want to let you know that i know what you mean i have this problem as well as i have had been through some tough childhood times, so over the years i had been real negaitive but up onto 3 years ago i became a very positivie person and every time a negative thought came into my head i turned in to a positive thought just so i wouldn’t become a negative person anymore and i would always keep my smile on my face

  2. Hi Phoenix!
    Sorry, I can’t believe it’s been this long since I left a comment, life has been so busy, which I suppose is a good thing.
    I think most people have a bit of Negative Nelly in them, but not drummed in to them like yours has been.
    I’m not sure what advice to give you Phoenix, I think if you can try to focus on what you have now, husband, children, friends, and people who care for you as you, it might help to banish those doubts.
    Maybe start by appreciating that you are your own person, living your own life, with the power to make choices as and when you wish.
    Next time you look in the mirror, try to think of your children who love you, love you for you, your husband who loves you for you. Don’t see the wrinkles or extra pounds, just look at yourself, and think ” Hey, I’m not so bad you know.”

    Not everybody will like you, not everybody will appreciate you for being you. Not everybody will or can understand what you have been through to get where you are now.
    But the important people do love you for you, and they appreciate you.
    They do this because they care.. care for you Phoenix, as you are, imperfections and all.
    Good luck with ” Nelly”, it may take a long time, but hopefully she can be banished eventually,
    Take care Phoenix,
    love n hugs
    Nick xxx

    1. Nick,
      No biggie. I knew that you would be back eventually. 😉

      My battle with ‘Nelly’ will probably be a life long one. I’ve learned to life with her.

      Glad you’re back and as always, respectfully,

      1. Hi Phoenix,
        Thanks for the welcome 🙂

        I’m in the process of catching up all your entries ( You’ve been busy! ) but for some reason I’m not getting notification of your replies, so If I don’t reply to a comment please forgive me, it’s not intentional.
        love n hugs

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