I came across this (also found in The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse.  Known from this point as Courage to Heal.):

People say that time heals all wounds, and to a certain extent that’s true.  Time will dull some of the pain, but deep healing doesn’t happen unless you consciously choose it.  (Bass, Davis, 2008, pg. xxiv)

Now that this has been pointed out, quite like a smack upside the back of the head, it makes sense.  I also came across this:

Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to tell your own story, to relay your history as you experienced it.  You can say: This happened to me.  It was that bad.  It was the fault and the responsibility of the adult.  I was – and am – innocent.  (Bass, Davis, 2008, pg. xxvix)

When I learned about ‘E‘ (click the link to read the blog entry) from Jack A’s sister, Wilma, and the things that he had done to his children; I began to tell her about my childhood.  This was the first attempt I had ever made in communicating my history.  All my husband knew at that point was that I had a ‘rough’ childhood.  After this initial conversation, several months had lapsed and I hadn’t heard from her.

One day I was chatting with Wima’s niece, Stormy, via Facebook.  We were getting caught up and reconnecting.  Stormy is the daughter of David (Jack A’s brother).  Stormy went through some similar issues to mine in her childhood.  While talking to her, she told me that Wilma didn’t believe that her brother would EVER do anything like that.  She went far enough as to tell the family that I had lied.  I was labeled a liar.  Stormy proceeded to tell me that Wilma also said:

What kind of person can cut ties with their family?  It’s just horrible that she could abandon her mother and sister like that.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this nor, I’m sure, it won’t be the last.  After talking to Stormy, I sat in shock.  Someone that I thought could be an ally, a friend, someone that would understand, had turned against me.  My hopes were that we could be each others support system.  That maybe we could help each other through our pain together.  Instead, fingers were pointed at me and I was labeled a liar.

I was extremely hurt by this and I felt that I needed to remove yet another person from my life.  On Nov. 18th, 2012, I made a declaration on my Facebook that stated that I WILL NOT compete for the love of my friends and family.  That you either love me for who I am or you don’t.

Anger had set in, as it always does.  I went on a cleanup rampage of my Facebook ‘friends’ and deleted anyone and everyone that had issues with me abandoning my mother, my sister, and people like Wilma.


I believe that to be a piece of irony.  My mother abandoned me to Jack A’s violence and abuse because she couldn’t step up and be the adult and take the responsibility she should have for the life that she brought into the world.


8 thoughts on “Wilma

Add yours

  1. I cut ties as soon as I could. What kind of person does that? Someone who chooses health. Someone who chooses health over approval, over the self-esteem you get from believing you are a “good” member of the family, over the comfort of knowing you will not be rejected or criticized. Someone who is ready to say, “no more.”

    Abuse doesn’t just harm victims. It harms everyone. It harms perpetrators and it harms bystanders. You cannot stop a sick system, but you can refuse to be a cog in the wheel.

    Take care and good luck on your journey.

  2. You know how I feel about this issue Phoenix, completely in support of you.
    I can’t believe Wilma’s attitude… is she in denial?
    I’ve read “E”.. how can she be.. words fail me sometimes Phoenix 😦
    The best part of your entry ” That you either love me for who I am or you don’t.”
    Well said!!
    love n hugs

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