Dear Fate

Jacques Delille said,

Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends.

Someone, please-oh-please tell Fate that I want my money back!  I would like to return my relatives.  I don’t want to exchange them, I just want my money back.  I feel cheated!  I have some pretty awesome friends, so I will keep them but … Fate, you gotta take the other ones back!  The refund is not to include three individuals (my husband and my daughters).  My husband Conall, I have to say that you were pretty spot on with that pick.  He picks me up when I fall.  He protects me when I feel I need it and even when I don’t think I do.  He compliments my rough edges with his softer ones.  As far as the two little baby girls… their presence alone lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face.  They bring out all of the ‘motherly instincts’ that I thought would elude me after my childhood.  So, I’m going to keep those three and give you the rest back.  You can take them.  Today.  No, I don’t want to wait till the end of the ‘waiting’ period.  You can even keep my deposit!

Heinrich von Pierer,

Control your fate or somebody else will.

Fate… I really has a HUGE bone to pick with you on this one.  Need I go over the list?  I didn’t think so.  I think I see a lawsuit coming over the horizon for pain and suffering and anything less than six figures would be insulting to my pride.  I will give you thirty days to make good on this before I contact my lawyer.

 

If things were really this easy, I think that a lot of wounds would be healed… child abuse would become a thing of the past because all a child would have to do is trade in their abuser for a mother like June or a father like Ward Cleaver.  I don’t know that I would specifically choose those as my trade-in option but I don’t think that I would have hesitated.  Sadly this world isn’t a perfect one and we just can’t make a trade-in for the relatives that have hurt us so deeply.  We can’t sue fate for the raw end of the deal.  So, who’s to blame?  Where is our retribution?

 

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4 thoughts on “Dear Fate

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  1. I come from a loving family so although I feel sympathetic, I don’t think I’m in a position to advise. I do understand, however, that the influence of childhood, good or bad, remains with us forever. I know that what you’ve experienced isn’t going to be something that you can naturally let go of. But I do think that you seem to have a wonderful family unit of your own now I hope that you can work on purging the awful experiences from your system and move forward. I’d say that the above article is a good start.

  2. We might not be able to get a trade-in on our family, but we don’t have to allow them access to our lives. I was adopted, so even the family I grew up with, wasn’t my family. My brother was the only blood I knew until I got to be a teenager, and started rummaging through my parents filing cabinet that had all the important records in it. I might write a post about my experiences with my biological father, so I won’t bore you with the details about him just now. I have traded in my family, to a certain degree. I no longer allow my father to have any access to me or my life. I don’t speak to my brother anymore, and can’t fathom a time when that might change. I do have an older gentleman friend who loves me like I’m his daughter, so I’ve unofficially adopted him as my father. I also have an older male friend, who I’ve unofficially adopted as my new brother. I’d much rather apply those titles to these two males who have proven that they love me, and are always wanting the best for me.

    As for our retribution, I’m not sure if we get to have that. People always want to suggest that Karma will pay them back. I’m starting to believe that Karma has fallen asleep on the job. I’ve been waiting for Karma to pay back those who hurt me, and it’s now been 26 years. I’m tired of waiting for Karma. I want them to pay Right.This.Second. But no matter how much I implore Karma to hurry up and be done with it, I’m ignored.

    I suppose that the best we can do, is let go of the idea of retribution, and settle for finding our own happiness with the people who have shown and proven that their love for us is real. That just leaves a sour taste in my mouth, sometimes, because I don’t yet know how to just be content with my life as it is, instead of wishing for the most horrific and cruel things to afflict those who have hurt and betrayed me.

    1. I’m here to listen just as much as I am in seeking resolution for my traumas. You couldn’t bore me.
      My best friends mother was a safe haven for me. She gave me the courage to move out from under Jack A. roof in hell. We may not have a choice in what family we get. It’s much like we drew numbers out of the hat and ended up with the ones that no one wanted. It’s up to us to make the choice of we want to keep/make our family. The ones that have stuck with us through all of the bad choices and the mistakes that we’ve made. The ones that will pick us up and dust us off when we fall.
      The saying that gets to me, is:
      Everything happens for a reason.
      I can’t think of a reason that would make the abuse crimes okay. What is the purpose served? I think that I hold on to Karma because I have to know that somewhere along the way, our abusers will get back what they’ve given out.

      It took me a very long time to feel comfortable letting my inner self shine. If I hadn’t have met my husband, I would not have had the courage to seek healing. I have said many times that my husband picked up all of my broken pieces and put me back together again like Humpty Dumpty.
      My girls are my inspiration for being a better mother and being the best mother that they deserve. I will definitely be following your story like you have followed mine. I wish you all of the healing and the support that you need to become whole once again.

      With much respect,
      Phoenix

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