In the First Grade

I have spoken previously of missing memories coming back.  It’s taken me a while to even begin to want to put those memories down on paper.  Here is my first entry.

 

When I was five years old, I started school in the first grade.  I was so excited for the first day of school.  I was eager to learn.  Eager to grow.  I think most children are at that age.  It’s a new stage in life that signifies you have become the ‘big kid’ that your parents always tell you about.  The night before the first day of school, I was having trouble sleeping.  I had gotten up to get a few toys and was playing quietly on my bed.  Waiting for the next day to start.

Jack A. came into the room.  I immediately shoved the toys under my pillows and told him that I was sorry for playing and that I thought that I was being quiet.  He shook his head and told me that I knew I was doing something bad and shouldn’t be up playing.  I said I was sorry again.  He came and sat on the edge of my bed.  He told me that I would have to be punished for doing something bad.  I remember my eyes welling up with tears and the stinging that generally comes with the first tears that fall.  I said I was sorry and that I wouldn’t do it again.

He said:

Well, you need to lay down and get some sleep.  You have school tomorrow.

I laid down and closed my eyes, expecting him to leave my room.  I felt the bed shift and his hand started caressing my hair.  All of a sudden, things felt very wrong and I remember the fear.  I can remember the fear like it was yesterday.  For the next eleven years, fear became a companion.  I was always afraid.  It never mattered how numb I got from the things he did to me.

He molested me for the first time that night.  When he was through with me, he told me that if I told my mom, he would hurt her the way that he hurt me.  I waited until I heard him close the door and walk down the hall to crawl out of bed.  I had my clothes laying on my little nightstand and decided to get dressed.  I crawled into my closet after closing the door behind me.

I had this little white and grey radio that was my prized possession.  It was waterproof.  It was made by Walkman.  I grabbed my radio from it’s place on my closet shelf and buried myself under my stuffed animals.  I turned it on as quietly as possible to where I could still hear it.  I sat there until it was time for school and my mother found me in the closet.  She didn’t bother asking what I was doing awake already.  She didn’t recognize that I was acting differently.  If she did, she certainly never said anything.

I recognize now that something died inside of me that night.  I lost a piece of who I was.

As always and with much respect,

Phoenix

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66 thoughts on “In the First Grade

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  1. Just wanted to say thanks for visiting and following my blog. I just read through a lot of your entries and especially with the recent one was so impressed with the courage you show in writing about painful memories. I’m sure that any abuse victim that would read your work would feel validated and supported by the honesty with which you confront what happened to you. Looks like you took a long break from writing. I hope it feels good to be back at it. I know I’ve learned a lot since I got started. Every good wish, Phoenix.

    1. Thank you so much for your support. It definitely feels good to know that what I write about really does reach people and touches their hearts. I am a firm believer that unless we SPEAK UP and SPEAK OUT, then nothin will change. I am in the process of planning my first YouTube video and will be linking it to my blog. Looking forward to sharing with you.
      Much Respect,
      Phoenix

  2. Somehow you found me.
    I just read this post and I’m shocked, saddened, and so thankful.
    I first remembered my abuse about 6 years ago. All of the sudden while talking on the phone to my abuser (half brother). It was so vivid when. I remembered that I could not believe I had managed to forget – but I remember afterwards being so horrified by what had happened that I kept telling myself over and over (maybe even out loud) that I had to forget it, to never ever think of it again. There was no penetration, but it was so disturbing I choose to actively not think about it.
    I told my narcissistic mother a few years after I remembered because she wanted me to reconnect with him (her son). She told me I was trying to ruin her life and that is about it.
    I have no contact with either of them anymore, and have begun to try to work through this. After doing some research I found that nearly 100 percent of the symptoms of child abuse matched my life experiences.
    Since I have been working through this. I have not recovered specific memories, just feelings and certain phrases (like being told by him to keep a secret), of earlier abuse. I remember I started having night terrors when I was around 3, so I suspect the abuse might have started then.
    Reading your account validated so much of what I have been going through.
    I am amazed that I really am not alone in the world of experience.
    I have been very depressed lately, I am very poor and have lost all my friends in my geographic area because of my isolation and various things.
    So I have been trying to find support through the internet and through reading other peoples experiences. Just to know it has happened to others, and to perhaps see that they have been able to heal. Looking for inspiration you might say.
    Your writing struck me to the core, because it is very good writing and I could feel what you felt (partly because I have really felt it before, partly because you write so well).
    Thank you so very very much for contacting me today, through my blog.
    melugeon mullins.
    My name is pamela – it is very nice to know you are out there too and I find hope in the fact that you have healed.

    1. I have experienced suppressed memories and I know that they are not easy to handle. For me, I was alone in the kitchen doing the dishes. I collapsed and curled up in the floor. It was just like a bad movie without a stop button.

      I believe that we forget in order to fight another day when we can emotionally handle those traumas. Some people are never ready. Others, like us, are given the opportunity to be strong and stand against our abuse.

      The ones that are broken, namely our abusers and the blind ones, that can not and are not able to see past their sunshine and daisies version of reality. To keep your abusers and the blind ones in your life is like being struck by a rattlesnake each and every time that you have interactions with them.

      I have horrific nightmares still, so I know that sensation. I am glad that I could validate things for you. This is why I write. The people that i touch and the ones that I connect with mean the world to me because without each and everyone of you, I would not be where I am today with my own healing. You definitely are not alone. There are so many broken souls out there. We can find healing and solace in each other and our experiences.
      Pamela, I am glad that I found you. It helps me to know that I am helping others. Thank you for your compliments and thank you for showing me the light in your heart.

      Respect, love, and support!
      Phoenix

  3. It’s good you let these things come to light. It was only later in my life that I remembered how a teenager sodomized me a five year old… This too will pass.. Some slow but it will..

      1. Then it was supposed to be at 29.. All that stuff you went they and endured made you a better soul.. Hard to see it but I’ve read your posts.. You are blessed..have compassion on your suffering…

      2. Yes… I know… You are the Phoenix rising… You will finally grasp the true nature of your inner self…Om tat sat Om..

  4. So sad … I came to see your blog and thank you for following and liking mine. I can’t bring myself to read the entire post, it opens up wounds I rather stay closed. I admire your courage to get past such abuse and trauma and to reach out and help others through your words. Unfortunately there are so many of us out there, too many … Thanks again. I will be visiting often.

    1. Sadly, I know the reality of my stories and it’s okay that you can’t read. I’m sorry that I’ve touched on something sensitive.
      You are very welcome and thank you for your support. it really does mean a lot to me.

      1. I know it too … and you don’t have to feel sorry. Perhaps through your blog universe is guiding me to seek my own healing and walk through my pain. I too have a wonderful family as well and I owe it to them as much as me to sort out the past. Thanks again!

  5. What a blessing to know you are here and gifted with courage, compassion and communication. What you are doing is invaluable. The impact that you aim to make — speaking for myself — is hitting its mark. There is nothing so healing as a kindred spirit expressing from the soul. Thank you.

  6. Prayers for your healing, Phoenix. I’m so sorry you went through all that you did. Keep working through it…you will continue to rise.

    1. Thank you so much! When I had children, it just made it more confusing as to why my mother would let those things happen and why my step father would do those things. There are just some people born without humanity.

      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

      1. Oh, Phoenix, again, I can’t imagine your pain! I am struggling with some issues around parents myself, although nothing as serious, and I found these words of encouragement a friend forwarded me really helpful:

        “Weep not for what you have lost, fight for what you have. Weep not for what is dead, fight for what was born in you. Weep not for the one who abandoned you, fight for who is with you. Weep not for those who hate you, fight for those who want you. Weep not for your past, fight for your present struggle. Weep not for your suffering, fight for your happiness. With things that are happening to us, we begin to learn that nothing is impossible to solve, just move forward.”

        Wishing you and your own beautiful family many blessings.

        Sincerely,
        Anna

  7. I did not see it explained. what was he doing in your house? you have my love and prayers. things like this never go away….I pray that God can heal your wounds, and keep you under his protection from now on

    1. I totally agree however, I really believe in Karma. He is getting his and will continue getting what he deserves until the day he dies. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and has had a lot of suffering.

      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

      1. I wish you healing and comfort….and there IS divine justice in this world…sometimes it takes a while to see it happen….but once god’s wrath against the wicked comes into play, it is bad news for the evil ones who do others harm

  8. I can’t even imagine your pain over the years. So brave of you to write about this and I am sure you are reaching out to more people than you know. Keep doing your thing sister:) and I am honored that you will follow me with my little blog using the arts and spirituality. I will keep you in my heart and in my head.

  9. This is quite something, it just can´t enter into my head how, why, or what type of person can do that to a little kid. To me that´s not even a person, that guy is sub-human. Knowing me, if that happened when I was young who knows I´d probably have killed this “person”later on in my life. Yet again I really don´t know how I would react if it had happened to me earlier how it would have affected me in my latter years. But that thing deserves a beating at the very least.

    I command you for your bravery, for letting people know about your story, I´m glad that you have found an outlet that heals you, or is helping you heal, and I also command you for bringing up in a blog the issues of child abuse. To me it seems so foreign, meaning the mind of the perpetrator. And can´t even imagine how a young kid and latter on in his or her life could that affect them. I can read about it but very hard to put yourself in your shoes. Again with a lot of respect I command you for being able to write about it.

    1. Thank you for all of your support and your kind words. Rest assured that Karma is definitely biting him in the rear right now. He has lung cancer so just know he suffers.

      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  10. Please don’t forget that there is no statute of limitations on this type of abuse (in most states). I hope you will consider seeking justice (as if such were possible) by having your abuser answer for his crimes and serve the time he deserves for being the criminal that he is.

    1. *Sigh*

      I know that and have thought long and hard. I still look over my shoulder thinking that he’s behind me with a raised fist and that smile on his face. The fear is very tangible and has it’s own form.
      I don’t believe that I am strong enough to do that. I don’t know that I could survive the legal process and everything being brought out to look at.
      I guess you can say I’m cowardly in that sense.

      1. you need to gather and assemble a support system…so you don’t feel alone…then go after that creep. get friends, therapist, social workers, etc

  11. Thank you for sharing your story Phoenix, I’ve experienced how much courage it takes to share such stories as I’ve only just begun remembering and sharing my own similar story. I have a mentor and hypnotherapist I work with. After I shared a particularly painful story with her, she posted the following for me and it touched me deeply:

    “We all have a story and when it is our story, it is personal and we live it.
    I mean we really live it. And live it. And live it.
    So now what?
    Once we tell the story, then what.
    We live. We get by, we survive. And then we thrive.
    In the end, we hope that what we endured had some meaning, some reason. But deep down you know that there is only a slim chance that this is really true. At least in this dimension.
    If only we had the money, if only we had the time, if only…….that story had not been told.
    Another truth: This too will pass. The story needs to be told, not to people who get it all ready or worse. think they do. But to people who do not think it is possible to survive, who think that their world is crashing around them with no where to go. There is hope. There is love, There is hope. We do what we can. We do what is front of us. We do what we can. WE do what is in front of us.
    And we trust in that small way, that we will live to tell the story, not to someone who already knows, but to someone who has no idea that thriving is possible.”

    Love and light to you for your courage and heart.
    ~B

  12. I admire you for your courage. To visit those dark depths and pen down a travelogue. I wish this hadn’t happened with you though!
    But I completely agree with Uncle Guacamole’s comment. You must pursue justice. Doing nothing is not the right answer.

  13. Let’s be clear I only liked this post as you were able to share this atrocious event in your life. I’m so grateful knowing that you’ve survived some of the most difficult things kids will have ever need to go through.

    I consider you a champion for just having the courage to speak out. Good on you. I’m hooked.

    1. I really wish they would change the name of the ‘Like’ button. To me the like button is only as a way of showing support. It’s not because you necessarily like what the person wrote about.
      Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

      1. that is how people would interpret the LIKE button….they appreciate the content that is being shared…..whether it is negative or positive content

  14. Thanks for sharing your story. It takes courage to write about it. I have a similar story. I had repressed the memory for a long time. Talking about it, releases the shame and takes the power away. I’m writing a book on healing and resiliance. I would be honored if you want your story to be included in my wounds to wisdom book.

    Love and light to you

    1. I appreciate the offer and I too am doing the same. I would prefer if you didn’t use my story because I am writing my own.
      However, please let me know when you’re book is published and I will definitely read it.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  15. Anger. 
    Fear. 
    Betrayal. 
    The pain. 
    Discover 
    The child 
    Died, 
    Long ago. 
    Take back innocence. 
    So brutally, 
    So cruelly stolen. 
    The voice found. 
    Free spirit…
    …You.

  16. Phoenix, I have no words for what you have been through in your growing up years. I have a little boy who is 5 years now and i cannot imagine anything bad happening to him. You have been through so much, and you have healed yourself.

    All I wish to say is that I am glad the internet gives us the chance to connect across continents, in some strange way the strength to share things we have never shared, and create a community that cares – without judgements or expectations.

    You are an inspiration and I am glad to have found you. Love, light and prayers.

    1. I look at my girls and I think the same. I couldn’t ever imagine someone hurting them. I am even more dumbfounded at the purpose behind my childhood.
      Thank you for the compliments.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  17. Phoenix, thank you for following my blog, but mostly thank you for your bravery in sharing your own story here. I am so, so sorry for what you’ve experienced. Reading this is a reminder of the tremendous amount of pain and wounding that people are carrying around, many not brave enough to speak of it. Press on!

  18. Hi Phoenix. Thanks for following my blog n made us connected. I do support the SPEAK UP n SPEAK OUT. Sharing is relieving. I tried to alert people about any kind of abuse or bully by my writings (in Indonesian version). God bless you and keep moving on.

  19. Phoenix — Thank you for following WordBowlbyMsCharlieS.com, which introduced me to your deeply affecting work. What bravery! I hope the process of sharing this story proves as empowering for you as it is for your readers. All best, Charlie

  20. Hi Mary,
    Nice to see you back 🙂
    I was wondering how you were getting on, I’ve checked in a few times but not seen any entries, and thought you might be working on your book, as you said you might be.
    Again your words have hit me like a truck… Anger, shame, and horror at what you are describing are the emotions I feel right now.
    I know this is nothing to the emotions you must have felt and are feeling even now. I understand how difficult this is for you too, re-living those terrible memories, and I think you are right to put your story out in the public.
    You have a story that needs to be told.
    I’ve said before and I’m saying it again, that I think you are one the bravest persons I’ve ever spoken too.
    Your courage is tremendous, and I honestly hope that by putting your experiences in to the public domain it helps other as much as I hope it helps you.
    When that book gets publishes, I for one will be on the list to buy it.

    I’ve ” liked ” this entry, but not as a like, more as an acknowledgement that I have read it, and hopefully give you some support, even though that support is electronic, and a long way away, just to let you know that we are thinking about you.

    I hope that life is treating you well,
    love n hugs
    Nick xxx

    1. It has definitely been a while since I have been able to write. I have some ‘new traumas’ to write about but am just trying to figure out how to word things. I am doing well. Four classes away from my bachelors degree and have been plugging away at that. It was difficult to write about. Thank you and you know that I love and appreciate the comments and thoughts. Hugs… hope all is well with you.
      Respectfully,
      ~Mary

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