A Sharp Reminder

I believe that there are both good and bad things about technology today.  Social media allows for people to fulfill their needs for social interactions.  People can share the stories of their lives, much like we all do here on WordPress.  Grandparents can connect with their granddaughter from 1200 miles away.  A wife can see her husband from the comfort of their home in the states while he’s deployed in Iraq.

Social media holds an element of freer for me.  A very terrifying one.

I stopped speaking to my mother in November of 2012.  I stopped speaking to Suzie around the same time.  I removed them from any form of social media applications that I used.  Phone numbers were blocked.  I have not spoken to them since.

When I started writing my blog, out of fear, I wrote under a pseudo name.  I took great care and went to great lengths to ensure that my WordPress account was not in any way associated with any other form of social media.

I went to these lengths because of the fear that I still, and may always will, harbor of Jack A.  I came out of the ‘closet’ with my real name in October of 2013.  It literally took me one year, three months, and eighteen days of looking over my shoulder before I felt safe enough to put my real name on my blog.  I was still fearful of being found by Jack A.

One of the precautions that I took was removing any and every family member that might be able to trickle any information about me back to him.  This morning, I think that my heart almost stopped.  Facebook has that option where it will recommend people who you may know.  Jack A. came up as a recommended person I might know.

All of the fear, anxiety, and torment came back with a vengeance.  Choking me and making it impossible to breathe.  Just when I felt that my heart was going to stop…

I discovered that he had another son.  The soulless man procreated and the result was a THIRD biological child.

My heart sunk and it kept sinking until it reached hell.  I would never wish my existence on anyone else to experience.  I would never allow him to get near Suzie and even with me standing between Jack A. and my little sister, she came out damaged anyway.

It’s such a helpless and tormented emotion; an emotion I can’t name, to know that another child suffered that same existence.  Just another child to be lost and afraid.


30 thoughts on “A Sharp Reminder

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  1. I too felt a stab of panic when Facebook suggested several people from my past I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid finding me. I didn’t even put my real full name on Facebook and refuse to identify myself on WordPress because I want to keep certain people out of my business. There are always going to be people who abuse others, tear them down and control them through fear. You can build yourself up, build up your walls and defenses and learn to separate other people’s insecurities from your own self worth but those assholes will still be out there, ready to lash out if given the chance. Best we can do is take whatever steps we can to distance ourselves and remember that the lessons of our past can be used to make us better or bitter but it is our choice. May you continue to keep the distance between yourself and the past, but if certain people try to disturb the peace, just take a deep breath and employ the block/deny option.

    1. Well if he happens upon my blog then I shall handle it when that comes around.
      I won’t engage in an interaction but… I know that it’s something that I can handle. The thing that is so devastating is that he had another child. Some people should not be aloud to have children.

      1. I regret using my real name on word press. I know that a number of people that I don’t want to are reading it. Now I am not free to write. I constantly censor myself. I don’t want to make it private because I’d lose all the followers I’ve come to depend on. Some days I come close to just shutting it down and going back to total isolation. I sure understand how your heart must have sunk.

  2. I hold out hope that your third biological sibling didn’t experience a similar childhood. While I recognize the odds are not in my favor, I will hold out eternal hope that even the worst of the worst can turn themselves around. I pray that the third time was the charm for your father, and perhaps that third child was enough to get him turned around and back on a better path.

    I’m sorry you feel fear, but perhaps your strong emotion comes from the desire to help. I’ve found that when my fears are the strongest, it is because they revolve around something that deeply affects me.

    Perhaps that is the opportunity for you and this new child to heal. If that child is alone and afraid, perhaps reaching out and becoming a source of comfort could be mutually beneficial. If that child is growing up in the same way, you would know best the words to say to comfort. You would be both helping a child involved in a possible abusive situation and healing your inner child that never received the comfort needed when family situations turn ugly. Two birds with one stone, in my mind.

    However, I fully recognize I am completely unaware of your situation and your motivations. I hope you can find some peace from the mess you were raised in. I think you are a beautiful person. Thank you again for sharing your story.

    1. Well, I am not his biological child. I was a stepchild. He has a son that I have had the privilege of speaking to. His mother saved him from my stepfather and moved him to California. My sister, Suzie, is the other biological child, and then… the one I spoke of in this entry.
      The picture I saw, he’s in his twenty’s which means that my stepfather was cheating on my mother. I have not been able to find him on Facebook or via anyone else that still keeps in contact with my stepfather. I hope that he is whole and not the broke individual I was when I finally got away from my stepfather.
      I have found peace. My husband and my three girls are my world and I am doing my best to mend the broken pieces for them.
      Thank you for reading and for you words of encouragement.

  3. Phoenix,

    You can change your name completely on Facebook. The best way to do this is delete the profile you have there. I mean to delete it completely. You may save the entire data if you want to. After deleting, wait until a week, which is the procedure with Facebook. Then you can create a new profile with entirely a new email account, not the former email you used for the previous account. I did that about eighteen months ago (almost two years) and I just came back on Facebook with a different identity. This way, I am able to avoid re connecting with the people in my past. I think it’s far better to move on forward by leaving the old wounds as well as negative people behind because these are clutters that are too cumbersome to carry along on this journey of life.

    1. It definitely makes for a lot of baggage. I still have a grandmother that is still alive. I have one connection that I keep on my FaceBook so that I can keep tabs and pay my respects when the inevitable happens.
      After that, I will definitely be taking your advice.

  4. That happened to me recently too, but instead of a FB suggestion, the abuser came up as a direct friend request… With several mutual friends! I deleted my account for several weeks out of panic, and then just blocked that person and his entire family. AND I messaged those mutual friends with a “what is wrong with you?” email. I still struggle with FB for that reason. I have not felt the same since. Very vulnerable, especially because my maiden name is nowhere on there. He had to have actually been snooping around to recognize that it was me

    1. FB is a dangerous place in many respects. As much as I’m afraid, I hope that he does try to find me. Let him show up on my door step. I’m not a scared little kid anymore.

      But that fear still definitely resonates within my heart and will probably be there until he dies. I haven’t been on FB since. I will return but it may take me a few days.

  5. I find myself “keeping track” of my abuser on facebook every once in awhile, because he has no privacy settings and I have the most strict ones. I, also, have felt horrible guilt and fear that he had gone on to marry and have children (one of them a girl). I have done everything legally as an adult to bring him to the attention of the authorities, but because of the statute of limitations, have no actual “power” to make him pay for what he did to me. I can only be satisfied that someday, somehow, he will be punished for his crimes. You are right: media can be used for good or for bad; I have to have self-discipline to keep myself from getting into trouble with this.

    1. It’s what you do with your life now that is going to defeat your abuser. Being happy, healthy, and productive is the biggest slap to their existence that you could ever give.

      1. Yes. That is exactly what I have done, will continue to do as long as I have breath in my body. A life well-lived is the best revenge!
        – Peace.

  6. Dread. That’s the name of your horrible feeling. You dread what that poor little child may have to face. I’m so sorry.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. I am thankful that you found the courage to do this as it will be a great inspiration to many people who have and or are experiencing abuse. You are bringing light to the violence that is far too common ins our world today. In order to stop it we must first acknowledge that is happening in all of our communities.

  8. Dread is an excellent description Mary, and this appearance of Jack A as a suggested ” friend ” has put that feeling into me too, and I don’t even know him!
    You should be able to block him completely so that you don’t see anything to do with him I think, but I’m no expert.
    You’ve said before about some of the things the Jack A ‘s father made him do, and I can understand your worry. I sincerely hope that his son didn’t have to suffer the abuse that you did…and that if he did, he has been lucky and has found someone as you have.
    Stay safe brave lady
    love n hugs
    Nick xxx

    1. I have since deleted my Facebook and am no longer on there. I have alleviate a lot of my stress by removing that type of social media. Honestly I didn’t know how much of a negative impact that was on me.

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