Letter to My Guardian Angel

You're Fired
You’re Fired

 

I’ve made the joke that, as a teenager, I should have fired my guardian angel because… by all accounts, I shouldn’t be alive today.  It might have been an act of mercy if, my so-to-speak, Guardian Angel had just looked the other way instead of keeping my heart beating.  Please, don’t get me wrong.  I’m very happy in my life.  I wouldn’t change that now.

I just find a touch of irony in the fact that, with the many instances where I should NOT have made it out alive, I did.  I had a doctor tell me once, on one of the very rare occasions when I received medical care, that I had a damn good Guardian Angel.  If this were a job, and I really could terminate who or whatever kept my heart beating, I would probably do it on the grounds that they/it are too over qualified.  They, at that time, did their job without one hitch or complaint.

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18 thoughts on “Letter to My Guardian Angel

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  1. I’ve been away from WP for 10 whole days (busy with a business project) and oh how I missed it, especially after seeing this post. What an interesting thought to ponder. I’ve often questioned the ‘why’ of the secret abuse that had a death grip on my family for many many years. There are no answers, of course. Evil exists in this world, and there is an enemy of death on the loose. But I’m reminded of Psalm 23, usually read at funerals, but really a love letter of sorts. In it, we are promised that we will be lead THROUGH the valley of death. Of course, when you’re IN the valley of death (i.e. living a life of hell under the torment of a ruthless abuser), all you can see, hear and envision is death and more death. At those times, actual death sounds like a sweet release of sorts. But that Angel of God who seemed to be so unresponsive at the time was actually working diligently, not to make a nice home for you IN the valley, but to get you the heck THROUGH it as quickly as possible. To get you OUT of death, and INTO life. And I’m so grateful that he kept at his assignment, for surely – you have come through the other side of the valley, have found your voice, and now reside in the valley of life!

  2. I have been though many of the same things as you. The things that we have survived makes us the strong capable woman that we are today. Yes our pasts sucked but we are better today because of it. We didnt ask for the lives we were given we just walked the road we were on the best we could. You have the ability to help so many because of it. I am so glad you found me on word press. I am proud to know there are other amazing women like you making a difference in spite of what was done to you in your past. You are an inspiration! Keep sharing your story, it will help you in your road to healing and so many others as well. Good luck and try not to stay angry at those who hurt you, I know that sounds hard but they don’t matter any more. If you continue to hold on to the anger and bitterness they still have a peice of you. Don’t let them have even that much any more, they get nothing from you! You are in control now! Once you let go of that anger and resentment as hard as it may be you will feel so much more free. It took me many years to figure that out. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or allowing those people near you or back in your life. It just gets the anger and resentment out of the way. So they aren’t still running your life. Like I said its not easy but its well worth it. Good luck on your path to full healing I’m always here to talk if you need an ear.

    1. Thank you so much. I’m thankful yet saddened that we have experienced the same sort of trauma. Thank you for your kind words and your warm thoughts.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

    2. Cecilia,
      Yes, the things we survive makes us stronger though sometimes… I would rather NOT have to have been made stronger. No, we didn’t ask for this. No kid ever does. No one who has ever been abused, has asked to be treated that way. I hope that I can help others. That wasn’t even my initial goal. My initial goal was to find rest from my memories. Thank you for your compliments. I find myself thanking everyone who reads simply because by reading, you help me on my way to healing.
      I am not angry. Not anymore. The anger is gone and in its place is mourning for the child that was robbed of normal childhood experiences. I fight with my negative side now more than anything. You know, that side that says ‘You will never be good enough’ and things of that sort. I look in the mirror and all I see is the negative and none of the positive. My therapist asked me at my last session ‘You know who put that negative side there don’t you?’ Of course I do. I am trying to not let hime win.
      I wish you all of the best.
      With much luck,
      Phoenix

      1. I agree wholeheartedly with you. Some days I curl up n a ball and cry saying I never asked to be made stronger and I don’t feel very strong right now. It doesn’t happen often but Everyone has their day right? I still mourn my childhood at times. I think being a mom puts everything I missed out on at the forefront of my mind and it is hard to deal with sometimes. I never experienced the normal kid struggles so its hard for me to help them navigate through their problem and when they tell me I don’t understand it hits me hard because I don’t. My negitive side is also a big detriment to my daily life. I just posted a blog about it. That is a much harder hurdle to climb. One day at a time….its all we can do. Just remember your not alone on the road.

  3. I for one am glad that your Guardian Angel did her job Mary, as if she hadn’t I wouldn’t be writing this now.
    I cant imagine how life was for you then, to wish to be dead rather than face the terrors of everyday life, and my heart cries out for you.
    I’m so glad you made it out to the other side and have found a life that is hopefully treating you in a fit and proper manner, and one that you can enjoy and look forward to next day, instead of dreading the dawn.
    Love n hugs
    Nick xxx

  4. I wonder if the powers of a guardian angel are a broad as your clever joke makes them put to be? Perhaps guiding you to find the voice you have today after agonizing over the impotence your GA may have experienced during those dark early years was the best job performance available to a GA? Perhaps a review of the job description and scope of authority is in order? 😉

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