Month: October 2014

Daily Ray of Sunshine: Day 15

Accept yourself as you are.  Otherwise you will never see opportunity.  You will not feel free to move toward it, you will feel you are not deserving.


Daily Ray of Sunshine: Day 14

An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason.

To Whom it May Concern:

This is an entry to a very specific audience; any ‘Family Members’ that I know are reading my blog.

I chose for its features and the community of writers.  To my fellow bloggers, thank you for your support.  I would not be where I am in my recovery if it wasn’t for you!  So, thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.  I went through all of my comments to make my responses after being on hiatus for several months.

I came across several comments from my supposed ‘Family Members’ and instead of responding to those comments individually, I dedicated an entry to my blog in your honor.

I am NOT the victim I once was because I have found my voice.  IT DOESN’T MATTER if you believe the things that HAVE happened to me.  You’re delusional if you believe that they didn’t.  But, it’s a free country and you are entitled to your own opinion but that’s all it is.  An opinion.  Not fact.  I know the facts and am stuck with them for the rest of my life.  Your opinion DOES NOT MATTER to me.  What you think, how you feel, or what you believe DOES NOT MATTER to me.  You stood by while these things happened and are just as guilty as HE is.  If I believed in a hell, you would be burning there for all eternity, right next to him.

To the person that committed these crimes, KARMA (which I do believe in) is a bitch.  I may not be there to see it when it happens, but she’s going to come back and bite you in the ass.

I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU any longer.  I am not a little kid and helpless any longer.  I have the ability to change my reality and am no longer under your control.  The significance of the wonderful features that has to offer is that your comments will never be approved to post.  I have the control to delete them.  They will never make it on my blog.  The control you once had over me is long gone.  How does that feel by the way?

Have a nice day!

A Stick in the Mud

I am stuck.  Much like mud in a field that sucks your boots right off your feet when it gets too deep.  I am still not able to write about the sexual abuse.  I’m still not able to talk to my therapist about it and to top it off, when things get too stressful, the images haunt me. My head gets dark, and what I call, black.  I don’t like going to sleep.  With my nightmares, I at least knew that I could wake up from them.  Having these memories now, the nightmare isn’t just in my sleep anymore.

I’m trying to keep up appearances.  I’m trying to be positive.  I’m trying to forget and maybe that’s the wrong approach.  The physical abuse I know I’m over because I’ve been able to face that.  I would have taken that with a smile compared to the emotional and sexual abuse.  I’m facing the emotional abuse and dealing with it… but I don’t know how to face the rest.

Kim, my mother, sent my husband an email via Facebook asking how her ‘daughter’ and ‘grand babies’ were doing.  Kim has no right to call me her daughter.  My girls do not know that she exists, and until absolutely necessary, they won’t know.  For fourteen years, I cried myself to sleep most nights.  I went to school to get away and take a break from hell.

I KNOW when my girls cry, even when they try to do it as quietly as they can, I KNOW!  I know that Kim saw the things he did to me.  She stood by when he yelled.  Went to bed with some excuse when the beatings happened and she was home.  Claims to never hearing me cry when he was in my room at night.  She has no right to call me her daughter.

I am torn on if what Jack A did to me was worse or if watching my mother walk away when he started in on me was worse.

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