A Stick in the Mud

I am stuck.  Much like mud in a field that sucks your boots right off your feet when it gets too deep.  I am still not able to write about the sexual abuse.  I’m still not able to talk to my therapist about it and to top it off, when things get too stressful, the images haunt me. My head gets dark, and what I call, black.  I don’t like going to sleep.  With my nightmares, I at least knew that I could wake up from them.  Having these memories now, the nightmare isn’t just in my sleep anymore.

I’m trying to keep up appearances.  I’m trying to be positive.  I’m trying to forget and maybe that’s the wrong approach.  The physical abuse I know I’m over because I’ve been able to face that.  I would have taken that with a smile compared to the emotional and sexual abuse.  I’m facing the emotional abuse and dealing with it… but I don’t know how to face the rest.

Kim, my mother, sent my husband an email via Facebook asking how her ‘daughter’ and ‘grand babies’ were doing.  Kim has no right to call me her daughter.  My girls do not know that she exists, and until absolutely necessary, they won’t know.  For fourteen years, I cried myself to sleep most nights.  I went to school to get away and take a break from hell.

I KNOW when my girls cry, even when they try to do it as quietly as they can, I KNOW!  I know that Kim saw the things he did to me.  She stood by when he yelled.  Went to bed with some excuse when the beatings happened and she was home.  Claims to never hearing me cry when he was in my room at night.  She has no right to call me her daughter.

I am torn on if what Jack A did to me was worse or if watching my mother walk away when he started in on me was worse.

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42 thoughts on “A Stick in the Mud

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  1. I know how that feels, beacuse I too, was abused emotionally AND verbally by those who WERE supposed to love me, but i’d gotten strong, by taking it slow, a step a day, and, i can see, that you’re slowly healing up, because by opening up those old wounds, is how you can look at them, DEAD on, and, eventually, you will be able to, LOOK those who’d hurt you in the eyes, and CONFRONT them, and then, you will finally be able to get ON with the rest of your amazing life, just as I had already, so, just keep on working at it. Best of luck to you.

  2. I understand your words completely. I was sodomized as a child. It took a while to own it. Yes own it rather than it owning me. I hope you find peace.,,,

  3. (((Hugs))) There is no easy way to get the garbage left by emotional and sexual abuse out. It is so deep-and in layers. One layer is stripped away to reveal another. The betrayal is painful-someone you loved and trusted did nothing but turn away. I had to visualize putting the hurt and pain into a box and sealing it up until I was in a place where I could deal with it. 💜

  4. Don’t try to fix yourself. Let time and God heal you. It is good that you have been working on the physical and emotional abuse that happened in your past. One step at a time, my dear. I pray that you will find a way out of your waking nightmare. Meghan

    1. Meghan,
      I wouldn’t call it trying to fix myself. I am trying to heal from trauma. The way I try to deal with it is by looking at it in the face and then moving on. My life now is wonderful. I’m happily married with two beautiful girls, two dogs, and am looking forward to the future with my family.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  5. I am so sorry you are going through this, and that you were abused. I don’t know what that’s like from first hand experience; I have no advice to give; I just want you to know that others care about you and about your pain.

      1. Bless you – I’m not surprised you are angry at God, or at least offended and disapointed in him. Afterall, if you were not brought up being told the truth about him, who else can you blame?

        You’ve come a long way in your journey and I’m proud of you. But just as God is often blamed for the bad, he’s also often not acknowledged for the good.

        He is the one who delivered you into the arms of a loving husband and blessed you with two lovely children. And it’s him who is continuing to help you through and out of your dreadful past forever.

        So, even though your terms with God are not good, his terms with you are favourable. He wants to do more good things for you if you let him, but he won’t force you to come to him, even though he’s exactly what you need.

        I wish you continuing blessing in your journey and that you will eventually let God travel with you so he can complete the healing process like only he can.

        Much love, respect & kind regards,
        Sharon xx

  6. My heart goes out to you.
    You were utterly betrayed…maybe the worst kind, by your mother…she ‘gave’ you life, but she, with her fear and cowardice, is NOT a blueprint for who you are, and what you will grow into and become.
    I wonder what kind of therapist you have? Sometimes the talking therapies, in the wrong hands, can be more damaging than helpful, it is a lottery.
    At different times in my life, I’ve made steps forward with non-verbal, non-analytical art therapy… “drawing” your anger…your hurt parts…then ritually burning the drawings to go up in smoke….Other times, i went to a brilliant woman for healing hands massage, and just cried and cried and cried….Even at 66 I find it almost impossible to really scream it all out…I wish I could.
    I’ll stick my neck out and say Stop Trying! Stop Trying to be positive, (papering over the cracks and scars), Stop trying to Forget…it DID happen and it is in you…in every pore, and will break through as it can…in flash memories, nightmares and images…scribble down the images, even just as colours or dense black scribbles….”Out With You!…Leave me now!” .Own the demons, and then give them the Fuck Off.
    Words are never enough…. sending warm feelings, and Hope. Charlie x

  7. I can so relate to what you’re describing. I read this right after I got back from my own counseling session, where I felt like I just rambled about inconsequential things because I just couldn’t talk about the heavy stuff. My counselor encourages me to talk around the abuse, meaning to talk about the other things in my life at that time, and like stalking a prey, we sometimes corner it and can talk about it in the context of the other things from that time. I’m not saying that will “unstick” you, because every journey is different. Just sharing what sometimes helps me.

    I’m so, so sorry you had to endure that. I’m glad to see you’ve survived and are facing the pain. It’s the hardest and bravest thing we can do. I prayed for you last night when I read this post. I hope you don’t mind.

    1. I’m sorry you can relate. I know what you have experienced to be able to relate wasn’t a cake walk so my heart goes out to you. I am working on that very thing. It is a process and as with any process, it takes time. Time is the hardest thing to give. Thank you for your warm thoughts and support.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  8. you were hurt. and you still hurt from that. still you are talking about it. the journey away from that hurt may be slow. it may feel like you are stuck. talking about it – you have pulled the foot from the shoe. it is a step towards healing. keep talking, keep blogging, keep healing. hold onto your husband and daughters. some day the hurt will change. it will become a scar. one where you can remember where the pain used to live. you are a victim and a survivor. you have done no wrong. keep healing.

  9. I understand where you are coning from. My mom swears she never heard a sound from my father abusing me at night. She swears she never heard the sounds me crying when I was being abused by him or when I was being whipped or tied up to the bed when my dad sold me to other men for money in our home and that is how they wanted to use me in our own home. I can’t believe she couldn’t hear anything. It baffles me how she could just stand by and not stop it. I’m sorry you had a mom like mine and has to ensure such pain. I still have trouble talking to people about it who wouldn’t understand. I worry they will just judge me or pity me. I just want to be free from that life and the pain of my past. Some days are better than others as I’m sure you already know. just take it one day at a time.

    1. My therapist calls that ‘the blinded parent’ because it’s like a horse with blinders on so they don’t see the distractions fret eh perfectly well configured fantasy land they built for themselves. Mom’s like ours are surprisingly more common than one would think.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  10. I wonder if we get blocked sometimes because we just aren’t ready to be that vulnerable, or if we are just too consumed with shame. Shame is such an evil liar – even when we KNOW in our heads that none of it was our fault, it still preys on our insides, on our emotion, on our ability to even speak (write). You will conquer any of those fears or that shame, and you do each and every day, each time you post, each time you encourage someone else. And when you are ready, the words will come. ❤

  11. I’m not sure how you stumbled on my blog, so I came to see what you were posting. When I read this, my heart melted. I feel your sadness and understand. But, it is so good to talk about it and share, isn’t it? It’s almost like when someone else reads it, can relate, or makes a comment, it slices off a little bit of the suffering. And people share and tell you that you aren’t alone. You were hurt and betrayed by family, yet strangers send their love, prayers and regards.

    I have been through some tough times too, and friends and many strangers have brightened my day when I needed it most. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep your head high. You are special. Take care.

    1. It’s a rough read but just know that I am whole, happy, and healthy now. I’m just keeping the blog to heal the pain left over from the past. It helps me to read others’ experiences and gives me courage to continue on this path to healing.
      Thank you so much for your kind words and support.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  12. The emotional nightmare you suffer is not your alone. It is tragic and criminal that it happens to so many and yet the perpetrators get away with it. The fact that you are no longer afraid of your abuser is a sign of your strength, not only of body but of mind. There is nothing you can do about the nightmares, I wish there were as my own nightmares have made me afraid to sleep although I blame it on something else. I cannot speak of what I experienced and told my therapist that it was pointless speaking to her and stopped our appointments together. Some things, you believe, are better left unsaid but I believe that it becomes a poison within you. I may sound like a hypocrite as I will not speak of my horrors but I believe you are stronger than me and if the day comes when you can release that poison then grab it with both hands.

    My heart is sore for what you have been subjected to and my thoughts are with you in the hope that you prove yourself stronger than you believe you are.

    YDx

    1. It saddens me to know that there are others that have experienced similar events in their life but at the same time it helps because I know that I’m not alone. It is very tragic and I truly hope that one day, the epidemic of child abuse is no longer. I’m happy and healthy now with a family of my own. I’m just trying to go one step further in my own healing.
      I agree that it does become a poison. Hence my journey. I want my daughters to know what their mother went through as a child and that I turned out okay even with horrible beginnings.
      I started my blog to help process my memories. Now, it’s turned into a desire to help others. I can only hope to do just that.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  13. Sounds like you’ve been doing loads of work in therapy. I can understand why the memories are just too painful to talk about. I’m sure that courage will come in time.

  14. Oh my gosh, I’ve just found this and I am so distressed for you and all the millions of other children you represent.

    I am so glad you stopped by to follow my blog so that I could ‘meet’ you.

    I know of so many lovely ladies whose lives have been afflicted in a similar way.

    My heart goes out to you and I am so, so proud of you for sharing a part of your heart. Thank you.

    The adult who stands by and does nothing is just as guilty as the abuser. Your feelings of hurt, anger, pain etc. are justified and normal. You did not deserve to suffer in this way and you are still suffering to some degree.

    I am praying for your peace of mind. The video in the link below may help you or it may be the wrong time to watch it, but either way, it would be wrong of me to hold back and not give you a chance to at least make some kind of sense of this evil world we live in.

    I’ll fetch the link and place it in the next post.
    Kind regards,
    Sharon x

    1. Don’t distress. I lead a very happy life now. Happily married with two beautiful daughters that give me a reason to smile every morning and every evening.
      My mother and stepfather, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, are going to get theirs. I’m a firm believer in Karma.
      Thank you for reading and for you support. It goes a long way in helping me heal.
      Respectfully,
      Phoenix

  15. Phoenix Aria,
    I applaud you for having the courage and transparency to share your deep rooted hurts with the world. I cannot fathom how your dad could engage in these types of sexual,verbal, and physical abuse to his own daughter. Your mother saying she did not hear your crying is unbelievable and I cannot understand why she did not stop the abuse early on. Hold your head up high. Your self worth is not measured by how you were abused. It was not your fault! I pray and believe the gracious Lord Jesus will bring you complete healing and wholeness.

    1. Thank you and I can’t either. He was my stepfather but had been with my mother since I was three. I can actually rationalize the problems and what made him so evil. The one that I can’t fathom is my mother. I have a big hole where my mother is supposed to be but isn’t because of the trauma’s that she allowed to be inflicted. However, despite that, I’m very happy in my life now. I am just processing my memories.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  16. Everyone has been very supportive and that cheers my heart. I am especially touched by the recent words of Greg Mancini. I do not know him at all but, I know he is not a religious nut just because he mentioned Jesus. Please do not write him off as insensitive if you are struggling to come to terms with the whole subject of God – it is totally understandable.

    I could not find the link I promised so I have written an article dedicated to you.

    It’s very wordy so you may not have the patience to read it all, but will you please say they prayer that is at the end? It’s not soppy, as God likes it when we’re honest with him. May you be abundantly blessed as you continue with this amazing blog. Here’s the link: http://lovingmyfather.com/2014/11/04/children-precious-in-his-sight/

    with much love,
    Sharon x

    1. Thank you for honoring me by dedicating an entry. It means a lot. I did read it and I didn’t think it was wordy. It was very eloquent. I am not on good terms with God because I can’t understand the purpose behind the hell that I lived through. Just one of the many things that I am trying to resolve.
      With much respect,
      Phoenix

  17. That’s horrendous. I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to call her your mother. Sometimes water, is thicker than blood. I really hope the nightmares stop, even if you never forget the pain. Gentle hugs.

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