Hesitations

I am not sure what the hesitation is with me doing a real blog entry. I haven’t REALLY written in a long, long time. I know that when I was seeing my very first therapist in 2011, I wasn’t really being honest with her regarding the full gambit of my issues. I started going to see her because I was having this one reoccurring nightmare that I couldn’t shake.

I am not sure if it’s because when I married my husband, we became a large, blended family OR if it’s the trauma. Maybe it’s both but the nightmares are becoming a problem again. I have an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday. I’m very apprehensive but will be 100% truthful this go round. I can’t get real help if I’m not 100% honest.

I was asleep on the couch with my head in Christopher’s lap while we were watching movies. I had a hell of a nightmare. In it, my mother killed my youngest daughter.

BACK STORY

As my kids have gotten older, I debated on what to tell them if they ever asked about my parents. I always envisioned that I would tell them that I didn’t have parents or that they were dead. I discussed the idea with my sister and her advice was against that plan. She thought that I should allow them to meet my mother in a very controlled environment. That way, they know her on my own terms. Which… I allowed this past January.

My middle daughter and oldest son both have birthdays in January. To save money, we did a joint birthday party. I invited my mother to the party. She had to work until late in the afternoon so I scheduled the party around when she would be able to be at the party.

We ended up having to start the party without her. My sister had tried to call her and didn’t get a response until the third or fourth try. She was on the other side of the metroplex picking up a friend of hers. This meant that it would take her an hour or more for her to get to. my house for the party. A party in which was already over. by the time that she got here. My youngest daughter had taken it upon herself to sit next to the window and wait until she pulled up.

She eventually did show up with this friend of hers, which she didn’t ask if she could bring someone. She just brought this woman with her. It was close to 10 pm and My girls didn’t seem to notice anything wrong which I am thankful for. There were absolutely no flaws in their eyes.

I’m 100% certain that my mother went across town to get her friend so that they would go and score. I can tell that my mother is using again. There are only two people that made it out of my family without drug or alcohol problems. That just so happens to be my sister and I. However when you have spent as much time around drug addicts and alcoholics as my sister and I have, we know the signs of a currently using addict. They were both high.

I was trying to let my girls have some time with Kim. However, at the same time, it was super late. I was trying to figure out how to get them out of my house. I needed to get everyone in bed and my husband ready for work the next day.

I was really awkward with my mom. I didn’t know what to tell her or what to talk about. I have told her that I forgive her but my anger and pain at Jack A. is with him. Even though he was so abusive to everyone that was living in that house. I have forgiven her for her blindness. I told her that I loved her.

I have just realized that I am a more complete person for letting that go.

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