I was inspired by this post and wrote something for the writer.
Hard to Love, Pushing People Away
I read someone’s blog about being so hard to love. When people suffer from mental illness, it’s important for them to have someone that supports them and at least tries to understand that disability. Pushing people away is just part of that blemish. We overly apologize for our mental illness. It’s almost second nature.
So what am I talking about? Well, I am bi-polar and deal with constant depression as well as dissociative identity disorders. To top that off, I have Fibromyalgia and recently started having seizures and the doctors do not know why.
(I call my issues/defects BLEMISHES.)
All of those issues don’t (or will not) get in my way of finding happiness. You have to be strong and look forward… NOT backwards. That’s how I survived my childhood. There were many times that I should have died but didn’t. The beatings were indescribable and I got hit in the head a lot. I can’t even count how many concussions I have had. Which, truthfully, might be part of the seizure issue. My mind would go somewhere else and I learned that pain is a temporary state of mind. It eventually goes away.
Out of all of that, I have to look forward. I wouldn’t survive other wise. The way that I deal with my blemishes is like a mind over matter thing. I apologize a lot which drives my husband crazy BUT he supports me unconditionally.
What’s my advice? Surround yourself with people that try to help you and try to understand your blemishes.
I think I am very hard to love sometimes.
I make it hard for people to love me by pushing them away. I don’t mean to do it, sometimes I just cant help myself.
I really wish I didn’t push others away. I know it makes them feel bad.
I know they are only trying their best to reach me. and love me.
And I don’t make it easy that’s for sure.