I disassociated again. I spent several days in a haze watching random nothingness on TV. I am trying to determine what was behind the disassociation. When I was in the behavioral health hospital, I was diagnosed bi-polar. In studying what that really means, I have been trying to recognize my highs and lows. Today, I am on a high. I got up whn my husband went to work at 5:00AM. I took him to work and returned some library books. That was probably one of the last rides I am going to have in my truck because we are selling it. This is rather significant because my truck was the only real thing that I had when I left Utah and my divorce. When I posted on Facebook that I was selling my truck, red flags should have gone off with those around me. Truth be told, only ONE person was concerned. She immediately messaged me and was very worried about it. I reassured her but it’s still something that should have worried those closest to me.
I cooked breakfast, cleaned the house, and spent as much time with my girls as I could before they went back to their dads’ house. Now I have been sitting on the couch, working on this entry. Internally, I want to crawl back into my proverbial black hole. I want to disappear. The roller coaster of emotions is literally driving me crazy. How do you deal with it? I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me.