Dear Oblivion

Oblivion you are my best friend.  Your sweet cushion of absolute nothingness quiets my soul.  I look for you in every second of every day.  I take part in the sweet moments of life.  The joys of motherhood.  The milestones, birthdays, holidays, the quiet moments when things are soothing.  When those moments go away, I look for you at every turn.  I want to disappear.  Sink into the darkness that you provide.

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The Black Hole

I disassociated again.  I spent several days in a haze watching random nothingness on TV.  I am trying to determine what was behind the disassociation.  When I was in the behavioral health hospital, I was diagnosed bi-polar.  In studying what that really means, I have been trying to recognize my highs and lows.  Today, I am on a high.  I got up whn my husband went to work at 5:00AM.  I took him to work and returned some library books.  That was probably one of the last rides I am going to have in my truck because we are selling it.  This is rather significant because my truck was the only real thing that I had when I left Utah and my divorce.  When I posted on Facebook that I was selling my truck, red flags should have gone off with those around me.  Truth be told, only ONE person was concerned.  She immediately messaged me and was very worried about it.  I reassured her but it’s still something that should have worried those closest to me.

I cooked breakfast, cleaned the house, and spent as much time with my girls as I could before they went back to their dads’ house.  Now I have been sitting on the couch, working on this entry.  Internally, I want to crawl back into my proverbial black hole.  I want to disappear.  The roller coaster of emotions is literally driving me crazy.  How do you deal with it?  I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me.

Long Distance

There was this one incident when my sister got really sick.  My step-father and mother blamed me for it.  The beating that I got made me see stars.

Myself and some of my friends opted to go hang out in the park that was only a short walk from my home.  My step-father made me take my sister with me.  I was fourteen and she was four years old.

I remember it was somewhere in the 30s and dropping.  Still we went to the park.  Suzie went to play and I sat at one of the picnic tables with my friends.  we were out there for a few hours.  At some point, my step-father pulled into the parking lot to watch us.  He made it a regular habit to follow me wherever I would go.  I think he did this because he wanted to catch me doing something wrong just so he could punish me.  He always found a reason.

Suzie got sick over the next few days.  Really sick.  Her temperature was so high that she believed that there were spiders crawling all over her.

During this time, my home live was very distorted beyond the violence, sexual, and emotional abuse.  My mother worked in one city two hours away from where we resided.  Since my sister wasn’t in school, my mother and sister would leave on Sunday evening and go stay with relatives that lived closer to her job.  They would come back on Friday night.  This gave my step-father the ability to treat me however he wanted uninterrupted.

When my step-father found out about how my sister had gotten so sick, it was open season.  I missed school the next day.  The time that I spent with him in that house was nothing short of a nightmare.  Hell on earth.

Suicidal Ideation & What It Means

According to Medical News Today, Suicidal Ideation is:

Thinking about or planning suicide.  Thoughts can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration.  It does not include the final act of suicide.

Useless

I feel completely useless.  I discuss this with my husband all of the time and it really bother’s him.  Even with that, he supports me 100%.  I can’t believe how lucky I am in that regard.  Whenever I am weak and have a melt down, he gives me his strength…

BUT

The depth of how I feel towards myself is so negative.  Some days, I can beat it, other days, it gets the best of me.  Like today.  My husband is at work and has pulled a muscle in his back.  My feet hurt so bad from the FM, that I can barely get off the couch.  This leaves me with the feeling that my usefulness has expired.  Almost as if there is an expiration date on my forehead dated 2017.

He does so much for me.  He makes sure I eat regularly.  this is necessary because with the depression, I am never hungry.  He reminds me to take my medications.  Throughout everything, he waits patiently for me to have a good day so he can spend time with the woman he fell in love.  Heaven knows that I am lost or have lost who I am.

I have written about this before.  My ‘Negative Nelly’.  This is where my head resides.  I have copied the link to the ‘Negative Nelly’ entry for those that would like to read it.

https://thephoenixaria.com/2013/05/

Lost

I have let my blogging go by the wayside lately.  My depression has really gotten the best of me.  The sad thing is that I know the why behind the depression BUT can’t do anything about it.  I keep waiting to get better, like my Fibromyalgia and other medical issues are just going to fix themselves.  I have the hardest time accepting that I am going to be struggling with these problems for the rest of my life.

Have you ever felt tired?  Bone weary, ‘I want to give up,’ tired?  The people that I have left in my life, try to understand what it’s like for me everyday but… unless you have been there then it’s difficult to understand.  This is how I feel everyday and I keep waiting to get better.  How stupid am I?

I was hospitalized recently for Suicidal Ideation.  Not the first time but it was a much better experience in that my Psychiatrist was able to get my meds right.  Now if I would only take them like I am supposed to.  I just don’t take them at all.  I guess you could say that I am the definition of insanity.  History is going to keep repeating itself if I don’t start making the positive changes that I need to make in order to move forward.

Daily Ray of Sunshine: Day 53

Motivation comes from working on things we care about.
SHERYL SANDBURG

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